I thought I was going to die’(endometriosis) – Nike Osinowo

Delectable and delightful, the former beauty queen, now 47, still radiates an aura of self-assurance, wittiness, vigor and vivacity that women several years younger would die for.

Decisively and convincingly, she speaks about her long-term association with endometriosis – a disorder that occurs when the endometrium (cells lining the uterus) grow in other areas of the body, causing excruciating pain.

Medical experts identify endometriosis as a significant factor in unexplained female infertility, chronic pelvic pain, and other gynaecological problems.

Oshinowo holds her audience spellbound with the story of her personal experience with this disorder during her reproductive years. One thing is certain; her relentless campaign against the pain of endometriosis is no fluke.

The goal, she points out, is to let women who feel the pain and trauma of this female health disorder know that they are not alone. From her perspective as someone with long-term experience of the malady, she puts a face to the disorder.

It is a deep, soul-searching account of an epic phase of her existence.

Excerpts:

I have lived with endometriosis since the age of 13.  I was sent to boarding school in England when I was seven. I went to prep school. It was during the first few days in secondary school that I began my periods (menstrual). They called the ambulance and I was hospitalized for 10 days because the pain started and wouldn’t stop.

I thought I was going to die, the first two days, I was in the infirmary with the matron and she kept saying, ‘O Adenike! We understand that you miss home, we understand that it’s a rite of passage, we understand it is difficult for you, we understand that every girl must go through it, but just bear it’.

I’m telling this story because it happened in England and, supposedly, the white people, who knew best, yet had no idea what was wrong with me. Every female student they had dealt with had had a normal period and coped with it, so they could not understand why I was dramatizing. They thought I just wanted attention. The pain was so intense I passed out. They called the ambulance and I was hospitalized. The challenge was now to get me to stop bleeding.

Challenge

Living with endometriosis is a challenge. When you see your doctor, your doctor just tries to treat the symptoms and assumes the pain revolves around your menstrual cycle. But this is not so. This pain affects every single aspect of your life.

I, as Nike Oshinowo, have never had an examination without my period, I have never traveled without my period. There are so many things I have never done without my period. When I am very happy my period comes. When I’m depressed, my period is there. I learned to just cope with it.

I love the quote that women wear their pain like stilettos. That is what I have been doing.

At 40

Until I turned 40, Nigerians didn’t know I suffered from endometriosis .When I turned 40, I granted an interview and Nigerians understood why I never drank alcohol. You cannot be on medication and take alcohol. It was finally understood why I was so clean cut and into healthy living.

At last it was understood why if I come to your party, at 8pm I had to go home to bed and to take my pain killers; because when you live with endometriosis, you live with pain. I have a library in my home. It is a library about pain. I have so many books on pain cure.

Ignorance

It is extraordinary the effect that endometriosis has on your life especially if you are ignorant. Ignorance is of two types – knowingly or unknowingly. My mother, unknowingly, was ignorant, because nobody had educated her about endometriosis.

She had two daughters, one didn’t suffer every month, the other did, but my mother didn’t bother about it. She just figured the one that suffered would grow out of it, especially since the doctors just recommended pain killers.

Pain

I talk about this pain, now, so that mothers, when their young daughters are starting their periods for the first time, and it is traumatic, they will go and sit with the doctors, ask questions and have it checked out.

Mine was left so late in life in spite of the fact that I grew up in England. It was frightening. I wish I had someone to blame, I wish I could blame the doctors. I have had so many surgeries I have lost count. I remember when Michael Jackson died and they talked about a drug he had been taking and I exclaimed –’ oh yes, I have taken that drug!’ You try everything to make the pain go away, so all I know is that I would not want a child of mine to suffer endometriosis. No. The only way to make sure that does not happen is to educate as many as I can.

Understanding

Everyone understands what cancer is. People know how to check for breast cancer, and are aware that, for cervical cancer, you do a pap smear. But endometriosis is not that easy. There are symptoms mothers and fathers, nurses and aunts and other caregivers can watch out for so that there would be no needless suffering like I had. I am living with endometriosis. I was born with it and there is no cure.  Hopefully by the time I have menopause it will be better because once you stop menstruating, everything is over. Hopefully!

Have a baby

One ignorant doctor told me to try to have a baby because once you have a baby, the pain would all go away. I thought to myself that if I had a gun I would have shot that doctor, and I would have been locked away and there would be no one to give me pain killers. The reason for that relief generally is that when you are pregnant, you don’t have periods and a long gap of not menstruating actually abates the symptoms of endometriosis.

Challenge

But the challenge is the pregnancy.How do I get pregnant to get to that stage? It was wonderful meeting Dr. Abayomi Ajayi (of Nordica Fertility Centre, Lagos), who is so passionate and knows so much about the disease, in spite of the fact that he is a man and he is so willing to share his knowledge. Whatever I can do to stop a girl of 12, 13 or 14 not to suffer the pain of endometriosis, until she experiences menopause, I am willing to do. I’m working for endometriosis.

Menopause

I’m 47, and I’m looking forward to

menopause. Menopause is slowly creeping up on me. People like us look forward to it because it gives us a breather. I have finally learned how to cope with the pain, how to live with endometriosis, and to manage the disease. It takes up a huge amount of my time and life.  One pastor once said to me that I have to reject it.

He told me not to say “my endometriosis” but to refer to it just as a disease because it is, really, a disease. He said I must reject it.  Well, I rejected it, but it didn’t go away. It is still here and I’m learning to cope with it. I hope those coming after me won’t have to cope the way I am. I expect they will have more relief because they would have been educated.

Symptoms

The number one symptom is severe pain, pain that you cannot imagine. That pain during periods is known as dysmenorrhea. A lot of people confuse dysmenorrhea with endometriosis. Dysmenorrhea could be a symptom of lots of things, but anyone experiencing painful periods should see a doctor.

Unfortunately, endometriosis cannot be diagnosed without putting you to sleep and doing a laparoscopy to see what is going on. There are many well equipped clinics around and it is easy to diagnose because our doctors are so well versed in laparotomy. It is not normal to have pain during periods.

Sister

When my sister started her periods,I was ready to help her. We are a close knit family. We love each other. She started in the evening and I thought to myself, this girl smiling doesn’t know what is coming. I thought everyone suffered like that, that every woman suffered like I suffered. I didn’t know it could be different for other women.  But, she had dinner and went to sleep. I could never eat. Sleep?

Forget it. Pain killers were my best friend. I simply knocked myself out, but couldn’t afford to sleep carelessly. I stayed up all night so that I could be a good sister when the pain came, to tell her I had the medicine and that she wasn’t going to die. But, nothing! She woke up in the morning, still nothing. By the third day, I was so envious about my sister. In fact, my first experience of envy was towards my own sister because she had pain-free periods. Till today I do not understand why.

Why me?

There is this thing about endometriosis

that it is a disease not truly understood because we haven’t done enough research. Where does it come from? How you get it is still not thoroughly understood because enough awareness has not been created. Unlike HIV/AIDS and cancer, a few years ago, there was no hope for a cure but now there is more awareness and people do not die of these disorders as before. But it is not the same about endometriosis.

This makes me wonder. Is it because it is a female thing? Is it because I’m a woman, considered a 2nd class citizen in the world?  Must I suffer because I’m a woman? You wonder and ponder over these things. I need answers to these questions. Why do I have it and my sister doesn’t? Is it hereditary? Someone should tell me. If I give birth to a girl, would she have endometriosis? This is why we need serious awareness.

My sister doesn’t have this disorder. My mother doesn’t have it, but then, I look at my mother’s siblings and I discovered I have a sister that doesn’t have a child. I wonder if she suffered from endometriosis. I have a distant male cousin that doesn’t have a child. Does it also affect boys? There are so many unanswered questions. If I lock you up in a room for a month, you won’t finish answering my questions. I have so many questions. We live in a country in which we believe in symptoms more than the causes.

No to sex

Women with endometriosis do not want to have sex because it’s painful. It is very, very painful. So you do not want to have intercourse once and it is painful, you’ll not want to go there. It’s not something you are going to look forward to. I have read books on this. And even when you try to forget the fact that you do not want to, half the time you are bleeding. You are either bleeding, or you do not want.

So, on the average, my friends’ periods last about 5 days, mine, if I’m lucky, lasts 7-10 days and if I’m super, duper lucky, lasts less than seven days; if I have eaten what I should, and exercised constantly, it’s not so bad. Exercise works. If you look at a girl’s menstrual cycle, 26-27 days, remove the 10 days she’s been menstruating and remove the days she doesn’t want, when she has pre-menstrual tension.

When every part of you is sore, on those days, you are not going to want, and even on the remaining five or so days that you are ‘OK, you are not going to want to have intercourse because it is going to be painful. You just don’t want to. So you cannot have a proper relationship with a man.

Pain: Between menses and endometriosis

Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference, that is why it is necessary to do tests. If all these symptoms are on, it is not the one you take analgesics.

The pain from intercourse occurs when there is the presence of endometrium. If diagnosed early and you interrupt the sequence, other things may not follow, can advise appropriately, infertility may follow, or told to have baby quickly, donor, or give appropriate advise.

See the doctor

If you have a daughter with pain, she would talk because she would think she is dying. I thought I was dying because I was ignorant. Go with her to see a doctor when there is pain. There are different tests. Doctors test with their hands, then they use the scan. I did that. The important thing is that when something goes wrong, pain is not normal, something is wrong, not to decide what to do, but, as a good mother, you take her to the hospital.

Breaking the silence

Endometriosis is as old as day but women do not talk, because they are embarrassed to talk about anything down there. What a woman is going to tell you is that she doesn’t like to sleep with her husband? To get a woman to start talking to you about her periods, even that will make you to be seen as a loudmouth. Even talking about her periods, it  is not easy to get a woman to start talking about it. But doctors are able to pick it up because they are infertile.

Women are expected to have children in these parts and, if they are incapable of that, they have to find out why.  Then they go to the doctor who traces it to endometriosis. Ultimately infertility would arise and they have to go to a fertility doctor.

Face of endometriosis

The face of endometriosis isn’t particularly glamorous. Even me, with my independent view, my laid-back attitude, it’s not easy. When I thought about it, I have a mother and family. I know what happened when I turned 40 and I talked about my endometriosis. I got thinking and I almost put it off. But I said no, this is time for action, we can’t keep postponing it. If they had postponed the research and awareness campaigns  into HIV/AIDS or cancer, there wouldn’t have been the breakthroughs we have today.

Knowledge is power, information is king

How do you get people to talk? It is awareness, awareness, awareness. The more I talk about it, no matter how embarrassing the more awareness I’m creating. Talking about it is embarrassing; I’m not immune to embarrassment, by the way. Before coming here, I took my shame, locked it up and put the key in my bag and said I would face you and tell the truth the way it is.

Endometriosis, a disease

A disease is something that is not supposed to be there, and that is what endometriosis is. You are not supposed to have endometrial tissue in your abdomen. Surgery removes it, but the moment you menstruate, the pain comes back.
My understanding is that I have a uterus, every woman does. Something lines it. Just like when you want to bake, you line your pan with baking paper.

That baking paper or lining is the endomentrial tissues. But mine isn’t just confined to my uterus. It’s in my fallopian tube, it’s everywhere. Everywhere this tissue is, when you menstruate, that tissue will be doing the same thing. And you feel pain. Anywhere that tissue is, it behaves as if it is in the uterus.

The purpose of menstruation is to shed the lining and come out. I know someone who has endometrial tissue in her gut. Even in the brain. When you menstruate, it also menstruates and you feel pain there. Menstruation is made to shed and come out.

I have traced it back to the Old Testament. The woman that wouldn’t stop bleeding and you wonder why?  So it has been since the beginning.

CHRIS AIRE: A Nigerian can succeed any where in the World

How I introduced D’banj to Snoop Dogg
After weeks and months of trying to track him, an opportunity came last week. This is the story of Christopher Airemiokhai Iluobe, otherwise known as Chris Aire.

The adverts of his products that run on cable networks globally do not bear any linkage to the humility that of his persona. After leaving Nigeria at the age of 17years in 1983 for greener pastures abroad, Chris Aire has done well for himself. The jeweler and exotic watch maker, artist and designer, has as buddies some of the biggest names in American music, film, fashion, entertainment and sports industry.

“He is called the Iceman on account of his trading in diamonds and other precious stones with which he has bedecked many of his superstar friends. Aire will qualify as one of the early prophets of the bling bling culture, a hip hop inspired phenomenon referring to the wearing and accessorizing of flashy, dazzling, sometimes outrageous, often outlandish jewelry.

In a world where the bold, big, flashy, loud and even outrageous are a fashion statement, this Nigerian kid has created a niche for himself in the risky jewelry business and, in the process, made a fortune for himself. In music where he once tried his hands out in his early days in the US, his friends and clients include Rihana, Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, Jay Z, Nelly, Usher, Celine Dion and 50 Cents. In the film and TV world, his pals include Will Smith, Bruce Willis, Adrian Brody, Eva Longoria, Angelina Jolie, Oprah Winfrey and Clint Eastwood.

In this interview with the International Centre for Investigative Reporting, ICIR , (icirnigeria.org ), Chris Aire speaks about his early struggles in America and how he switched from acting to exotic jewelry-making. Excerpts:

What does the Aire in your name mean? Is it Nigerian?
Yes it is Nigerian, a derivative of my Ishan name. The full name, Airemiokhai, is a derivative of two Ishan words, “Aire,” which means “drawing close” and “Okhai,” meaning “greatness.” So it means “drawing close to greatness.” I decided to adopt my middle name and cut of the second half first as a mark of my independence at that time and, since I was going abroad then, to make it easier for people to pronounce. I was born Christopher Airemiokhai Iluobe.

Growing up must have been tough; can we get to know more about you?
I was born and raised here. I left in December 1983 before I turned 18. I was born in Ivue – Uromi previously Agbazilo Local Government Area. It was Bendel State at that time but now Edo State. I grew up in the village and then attended Immaculate Conception College in Benin. After college, I went to work for my father. I graduated with distinction from high school so he figured that I would be able to run his business. My father had an oil business that I helped to run for about a year and a half before I traveled abroad.

You were so young and ran such a big company?
I was, but I was able to run the company efficiently. Our head office was on Sapele Road in Benin and we had haulage trucks all over the country. We had about 100 trucks that transported diesel and petrol all over the country.

My father (Pa Iluobe) was a very successful businessman. He was into oil and building materials. He had a factory that produced galvanized roofing sheets. He was also into farming, exporting cocoa and palm kernel. He actually gave me my first lessons in business.

If you were doing so well why did you decide to go abroad?
My dad and I were very close growing up and he challenged me several times. But there was this particular time he did that and I decided that it was time to take him up on the challenge which is why I took the decision to be far away from home and his assistance and to use my middle name as my surname.

The challenge was that I couldn’t make it without him and his name. And looking back if I had remained with him then, I believe that I would not have made it without him.

Was the America you arrived in what you expected it to be?
No it wasn’t as I had imagined when I arrived, partly because I went to Memphis in Tennessee, in the south, which was still pretty segregated. It was not what I expected and I told myself I would rather return home than stay there. So I left Tennessee and moved to California.

How did you survive?
It was hard. I started by flipping burgers to put myself through college. One of the things that was ingrained in me back in Nigeria was the need to be educated. So in America, I struggled to get a bachelor’s degree. That was my first goal.

I met other Nigerians there who told me that the best jobs a Nigerian could were guard jobs or fast food jobs. That was how I started working in a fast food restaurant. But I soon decided it was not for me and that I could do better.

You were also going to school at the same time you were working?
Yes. I would go to school from 9 am to about 4 pm or 5 pm, go home to rest and then go to work around 10 pm till 6 am. I did that until I graduated college. It was really tough. Here I was moving from running a major company to having to virtually work myself to death. But I am intractable and a very focused person. When I decide to do something I keep at it. But there was a time I really thought seriously of coming back home when it got unbearable. I thought of coming home for one summer but then it didn’t work out.

Now, how did you get into the jewelry business?
I always had a love for jewelry and knew that jewelry was also a profitable business and wanted to ultimately invest in it. I had hoped to create a successful career in the entertainment industry in the USA and invest the money I made into the jewelry business.



One of Chris’ products

You wanted to be an actor?
Yes, my degree was in acting and directing.

But what happened was when I finished college it was impossible for me to go into acting. If you were not connected you could not get into the acting business at the time and I wasn’t connected. When I realised that I could not break into it, I put a group together and started making music.

Our brand label was Raw Silk. We did that for a few years and then broke up and I went solo and started doing my own thing. I actually got up to number 8 on the American Street chart once and had a video on BET.

Back to your involvement in the jewelry business?
Well, I talked to a friend of mine about my interest in the jewelry business and his father happened to be a jeweler. This was during my foray into music. One day his father called me and asked me if I was really serious about pursuing a career in music because it was not taking me anywhere. He invited me to come and learn about the jewelry business since I was always yapping about investing in one. He said at least I would have a job and be earning some money while waiting for my big break. I thought it was a good idea and started working for him. It eventually became a fulltime thing. I started sketching unique jewelry pieces for him and that was really how I started to re-apply my creative skills into designing jewelry.

I apprenticed under my friend’s father for six years and then started my own company.

How did you start your own company?
I worked for him for six years and I had been able to save $5,000. That amount in starting a jewelry company was absolutely nothing. But what happened in those six years was that I met a lot of high net worth individuals within the jewelry community. The jewelry business is a very small community. We all go to the same shows, hang out together. So, working for him gave me a platform which catapulted me into the game. Unbeknownst to me, people had watched me for six years and had an insight into my character. They knew I could be trusted and that I was a serious minded person, this made it easier for them to take a chance on me.

How did you start with $5,000?
The $5,000 was just enough for me to rent a small office space where I was my own secretary, designer, salesman, manufacturer and everything rolled in together. I started in 1996 with that small amount of money but the goodwill I had built was what pushed me over the edge.

What exactly did you have to do?
I did all the designs and since I had befriended so many people in the business, I approached somebody with a manufacturing facility that would help me with the gold and other raw materials to extend credit terms to me. I then produced the pieces, put them in my bag and hawked them to the people I thought would buy them. I was given about 30 days to sell pay off my creditor. I would sell the pieces and repeat the process.

What gave you that real break in the business?
The turning point for me was when I met Gary Paton. He used to play for the Seattle Supersonics. That year they were playing the Los Angeles Lakers in the playoffs. I knew Gary was going to be staying at the Ritz Carlton Hotel, Marina Del Rey, so I went early and waited for him to show up. I waited for a few hours and when he finally showed up, I walked up and talked to him in the middle of the press frenzy. I will never forget how gracious he was. I had never met him before. I just walked up to him and introduced myself and my business. He put his arms around me and pointed to his body guard and asked me to talk to him and exchange addresses and phone numbers.

I stayed in touch with them after the playoffs. In the summer they were in Miami and invited me over to show them the stuff I had and I went over. When I got there he gave me an order for $50,000.

What exactly did you sell to him?
A bunch of gold and diamond basketball pendants. He bought for himself and his friends. It was a big order at the time. The interesting thing is that I had maxed out my credit card making that trip and if he hadn’t bought anything it would have been difficult for me to go back home. But it was worth the risk. Apart from him, I met a number of other people on the trip with whom I later did business.

Our clientele cuts across business, entertainment, Sports and so on. When I first started it was mostly entertainers.

Do you ever get carried away, being this young Nigeria making it big, and hobnobbing with superstars?
Sometimes I still pinch myself because I have been very fortunate. I consider myself lucky. Everything I have done I can only say is by the grace of the Almighty God.

You were away from Nigeria for a long time. What made you come back?
When I left Nigeria the idea was to go and study, better myself and then come back and apply the knowledge here, but the people who came back returned and told us how horrible it was. So coming back home was the last thing on my mind at the time. Also, the things that we were getting popular for in the USA were not your standard run off the mill designs. They were cutting edge and a lot of people did not understand it. They used to ask who would wear a clock? I could never have come home at that time with the pieces I was making. When I left, Nigeria was a conservative place. We were used to small flat wrist watches. So I never thought there would be a market for what I was doing in Nigeria.

As I got older, I started rethinking because most of the raw materials I use come from the African continent and most Africans are exploited and never really given the opportunity to add value to our raw materials, I decided it would be good to come back and set up something that would start to change that. So I started thinking of coming to set up here and contribute in my own way and share the knowledge I have accumulated in the United States. But I didn’t come to Nigeria right away. I went to Sierra Leone and Conakry, Guinea, and then gradually started coming to Nigeria. We set up the jewelry Boutique at Transcorp Hilton.



Chris

Where and how do you source you raw materials from, particularly diamonds?
We deal only in blood -free diamonds. Some of the raw materials like semi-precious stones and precious stones we get here in Nigeria. We have investment interest in mines in and outside Nigeria and we get some of our gold and others materials from there.

You see, blood diamonds are diamonds that fund wars and conflicts. Sierra Leone has been peaceful for quite some time, but there are diamonds in Canada, and there is no war in Canada. There are beautiful diamonds in Australia and there is no war there. Most of the yellow diamonds are from Australia. Some of the best diamonds are from Africa – South Africa, Botswana, Angola, and many other places.

Apart from jewelry you also went into wrist watches and other products. Can you tell us more about your businesses?

When I started I didn’t have much money so I started with what I felt most comfortable with which was bridals – designing bridal rings and accessories and expanded into other areas later. But I felt restricted and I couldn’t express myself much. I wanted to serve a clientele of artists, actors, celebrities and people like that who had different tastes, certainly not conservative. So I started creating these pieces my peers called “crazy designs”. But I always went out and sold them. By the time I had built up a big clientele I realized that they were looking up to me for direction in terms of the design of their jewelry and so I started recommending other brands to them. One day I woke up and said I was going to create something that was mine and present it to them. I created my own brand of watches and put it out and it sold out within two weeks and people were sending me their Rolex watches to trade it in for the Chris Aire watches.

How much was it?
When we first came out with the watch, the Aire Traveler, the basic model was $4,600. Then we had the diamond model that was $6,000 to $7,500. Some were $22,000 each and the most expensive one at the time $50,000. But today we have watches that sell in the million dollar range.

Looking at some of the stuff you have done, it takes an utterly crazy person to do them?
You call me crazy? (Laughs). Yeah, I get called that sometimes. Most of my clients are my friends now. When you are in the public eye you become extremely suspicious of people. Most celebrities are guarded. I misread this when I was starting out. I didn’t know it was a protective shield. I thought they were just being jerks because I would walk up to some of them and they would look down on me like I was a thief or something. As a Nigerian, I have an innate sense of pride but I had to swallow that pride because I had to eat. And that is why I say I was lucky. Imagine if the first 100 people I walked up to had told me to go to hell. It would have been a different story today.

Has being a Nigerian even worked against you abroad?
My belief is that if you do not feel comfortable or confident in your own skin, everything will work against you no matter where you are from. Yes I am a Nigerian, a black man and I am proud of it. What my story has shown is that a Nigerian can make it anywhere in the world. Nigerians are great people. We are hardworking and immensely blessed by God that is why Nigerians excel wherever they go.

It is a high risk business. And you have been in the US for a long time. Have you ever been scammed? And have you also ever had any problems with the law?

I have been in America for 30 years now. And I have been in a business of trust. But I have never had any run with the law and I have not had any problem with anybody. You know the jewelry industry is replete with stories about quark jewelers. We have been very fortunate and have not been involved in any controversies; thank God! I would prevaricate if I tell you that I am not aware of the international community’s perception of the Nigerian brand. I know most people think that a lot of us cannot be trusted and there is a strong argument in favor of that. My take on that is that you cannot indict a whole group of people based on the actions of a select few.

This is why I always let people know that I am a Nigerian, because even though some people have given us a bad name, not every Nigerian is a conman. As far as being scammed, I wouldn’t say I have been scammed in the US but I have lost money in Sierra Leone and Guinea. I have not had any problems in Nigeria.

Having made it outside this shores there are many young Nigerians who would look up to you as a role model. In what way are you giving back to society, in building up our youths, for example?

I think it is a privilege to be in my position and I do not take the responsibility of giving back lightly. But on a serious note, that is one aspect of my life that I do not make too much noise about. But what I can talk about is I have tried to give some of our young ones the kind of opportunity and exposure that I have enjoyed. I was the one who introduced D’banj to Snoop Dogg and orchestrated the deal with the collaboration. I have also worked with Duncan Mighty and a host of other guys helping to strengthen the Nigerian entertainment community. And none of it was business. I never got a dime from helping any of them.

You said you had invested in mines in Sierra Leone. Do you have similar investments in Nigeria?
Yes we have some investments in Nigeria as well. We support small scale miners in the country from whom we source some of our raw materials use in some of our products in our Transcorp Hilton Hotel Boutique.

Do you have a factory here?
No not yet. We are working on it but we need to get our electricity and other things sorted out first.

That is a disincentive to investing in Nigeria isn’t it?
I think it is a very import one. I am told that the government is working round the clock to fix it. There are other discouraging factors. I have been extremely encouraged by the support that we have received from majority of Nigerians in our efforts here, but there are a few people who are grounded in negativity that they believe the only way to excel is by bringing others down

source : vanguard

6 Things Every Man Wants In Bed

You might think you have sexy down to a science. But do know what real men actually want in a lover? Read on to find out.
Enthusiasm
When it comes to séx, you can get an “A” for effort. Guys want to be with someone who’s actually into séx and not doing it as a favor or just going through the motions.

“There is nothing more seductive than an enthusiastic lover,” says Lou Paget, certified séx educator and author of The Big O: Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming. “That beats out the perfect body or the perfect face anytime. A man wants feedback that a woman is into doing things with him!”

New Tricks
Men want a lover who is willing to try new things from time to time. That doesn’t mean you have to go all 50 Shades of Grey. Just be open to ideas.

“séxual desire is like an appetite,” says Paget. “We all want to try different flavors — otherwise we’d get bored eating at the same place all the time. Men want someone who is willing to explore unique feelings and new sensations.”

Worried that whatever you do is suddenly going to become part of your nightly repertoire? Don’t think of it as a can of worms. Most likely the occasional change-up is all he needs.

Praise
We normally think of women as the ones who need reassurance about their appearance, but men get insecure, too. A lover who will find something to compliment and worship about her partner will never lack affection from him.

“Every man wants to know they have that special something that turns a woman on,” says Paget. “It could be something that turns her head or something like his intelligence or sense of humor that she finds incredibly séxy.”

Bossiness
It’s not a cliché, ladies. A man wants a woman who will tell him what to do — at least in the bedroom. Most guys will be thankful for a little instruction, especially if it means they’ll succeed at pleasuring you.

“A woman who can guide you with sounds or one word responses is preferred as it takes away the guess work,” says Paget. “Just remember to avoid acting like a séxual traffic cop!”

Confidence
Men want someone who will leave the lights on and let him get a good look at her. Stop worrying about covering up any squishy parts.

“Indirect lighting is Hollywood’s best friend and it can be yours as well,” says Paget. “Need I repeat that men are visual creatures and they want to see their partner? It’s a big part of their turn-on factor.”

Confidence is séxier than anything!

Love on the Brain
A woman who keeps séx in the forefront of her thoughts knows how to inject it into life outside the bedroom — and that’s séxy. Try séxting him or be extra naughty and playful in public.

“Do it in a discreet way,” say Paget. “Let your partner know that you’re thinking about séx throughout the day. Remember, your brain is your séxual power source.”

Did This Guy go Too Far?

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place in Lagos somewhere in Surulere.

This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd.


He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their Wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and groom’s families for coming and to thank his new father-in- law for providing such a fabulous reception.


To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope.


He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 picture of his best man Being Intimate with the bride (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them an…d hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding).


After he stood there and watched the people’s reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the Best man and said ”F— you!” he then turned to the bride and said ”F— you!” and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said…..

”Thanks, I’m out of here.” He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.


While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.


His revenge:


1) Making the bride’s parents pay over N620,000 for a 300 persons guest wedding and reception.

2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.

3) And best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.


Did the guy go too far? comment pls

12 Things Men Really Want in a Woman

Guys reveal what they want in a girl.Freezing temps can leave even the biggest commitment-phobes craving someone to snuggle with. So we got guys to open up about just what they want in a Little Spoon they'd love to curl up with long after the seasons have shifted.

By Lauren Otis

1. A Woman Who Will Let Me Impress Her
"I kind of want the opposite of most guys I know: I'd secretly love a girl that's bad at cooking-all the easier for me to wow her with some of my home-cooked specialties." -Christian B.

2. A Woman Who Can Hold Her Own
"I want to be with a girl who, if she's on a different page from me on something, can hold her own in a debate about it. Disagreements can keep things fun." -Andrew H.

3. A Woman Who Goes With The Flow
"I want a woman who doesn't act like a child when things don't go her way. You've got to be able to lose occasionally and show grace and poise in those moments (And I do too)." -Brady C.

Related: How to Be More Adventurous With Your Man

4. A Woman Who Motives Me
"I want to get serious with a girl who pushes me to have a successful career. It motivates me when I talk to my girlfriend about work and she calls me out on being complacent or not doing everything I can to be the best at what I do. It really helps me to stay focused, especially since the whole reason I'm working is to be able to one day provide for a family." -Ryan G.

5. A Woman Who Wants to Try New Things
"I want a girl with a sense of adventure-it keeps things interesting. No matter how fun a routine might be, it can get boring eventually. Whether it's taking a cooking class or going skydiving, it's great to be with someone who's open to new things. Dates with my girlfriend can range from trips to the zoo to checking out musicians at a weird, random warehouse party." -Alex R.

6. A Woman Who Let's Me Have Guy Time
"It's important to me to find someone understanding who realizes and respects that there are certain things that make guys, well, guys. We might not always be interested in the same things as women and might sometimes need our own guy time. As we move closer together in our relationship, certain things will begin to happen as a unit and we'll be a team, but it's still key to me to have someone who allows and understands those differences." -Marlon J.

Related: How to Support Your Man

7. A Woman Who Trusts Me
"I need a woman who's trusting and doesn't get jealous easily. Above all, it shows me that she's confident in our relationship and in herself." -Dennis R.

8. A Strong Woman
"I really fall for someone who has gone through their own trials or tribulations and come out on top as a better person. It's a real test of character." -Oliver M.

9. A Woman My Friends Like
"I want to lock down a girl that gets along with my friends. It's really important because friends can see through the BS that you can't when you're too infatuated with someone. So if she can sway my boys and have them eventually tell me, 'Dude, she's pretty cool,' without my asking them, I would definitely call it a win." -Blake S.

Why Your Guy Won't Commit

10. A Woman Who Loves Me For Me
"Above all, I want a girl who can deal with my faults and love me for who I am, even on my worst days." -Alan A.

11. A Smart Woman
"Smart is sexy, so knowledge that eclipses my own would be amazing. I want her to humble me in a way that makes me legitimately appreciate her intellect and approach to conversation." -Max S.

12. A Woman Who Supports Me
"More than anything, I want support. I don't need tons of commonalities-I'd rather a woman back me in the things I'm passionate about that she doesn't have in common with me. She doesn't need to love motorcycles and MMA or breakdancing and cooking, but if she understands and gives unconditional support despite our differences, I think that can really make a relationship." -Luan N.

Why Most Nigerian Students (Including Those From Wealthy Homes) Have Sugar Daddy

This question is as old and worn out as time itself. Yet still, nobody seems to be able to come up with a definite answer for it. Really,Why do most Nigerian students (including those from wealthy homes) either have sugar daddies OR engage in prostitution? I took time out to ask some people around me this question and here are some of their responses.

"its greed of course! Greed, laziness, peer pressure, no ambition! Mutsheeeeew!!!"LOL sounds like he has been a victim of these girls.

"Because their parents don’t give them all the cash they need"

"Money, peer pressure" hmmmm yet again

Yet another person "MONEY! Peer pressure too." I then replied "if that’s the main reason, why can’t they ask their parents, guidance e.t.c or get a decent job?" His response; "ooh! You’ll tell your parents you want bold5 today, they would drop the money. Less than two months after that, you want an iphone then later you want S3…you want to go for this show or that trip, you want to buy vuitton this Gucci that…and you expect them to give you the money every time. Naaaaa! Those girls do it for more money." *phew* that was a long speech but he really did break it down don’t you think.

Do you think that explanation justifies the act? What about their reputation? Keeping themselves for their future husbands or wives, the marriages they are ruining due to the so-called greediness? What happened to being patient and contended with what you have? The questions are endless.

If you think you know the answer to this myth of a question, I really would like to hear from you because I must say ‘I’m baffled’.

9 Marriage Secrets from a 73-Year Marriage [Must Read]

On making time to make love 
"I don't understand couples who say they are too busy or too tired to sleep together. Unless they are building roads all day or running a multi-national corporation, I expect they have just lost sight of priorities. If you wish to stay connected and happy in your marriage, my advice to you is to never be too tired or too busy to feel love for your partner. When your life is nearly over, you will regret it if you look back and recall too many nights when you made excuses instead of making love." 

On bickering 
"The most important thing for any couple trying to get along is to think before you speak.If you are bickering and find that you are getting angry, take a deep breath and change course, and ask your partner to do the same. Try saying something conciliatory like, 'I don't know why this is making me so upset, but it is, so can you just humor me and help me get over it?' By simply admitting you are losing your cool, you may find that the anger quickly dissipates." 

On greeting your partner 
"If you want your relationship to survive and to thrive, you will have to train yourself to focus most of your attention on the person you love. When your sweetheart comes into the room, whether it's just from taking care of some chores in the garage or from a long day at work, your job is to put down whatever you're doing, look him in the eye, and verbally express your delight at seeing him again. It's really so little to ask, and delivers so much - to both of you." 

On having affairs 
"Some people have affairs because they tell themselves that they deserve more attention than they get at home. Or maybe they get annoyed because they feel that all of their needs aren't getting met by their partner. Well, whoever told them that one person could meet their every need? You can actually live quite comfortably without having all of your needs met. Try thinking about it that way; you might be surprised how liberating it is. You are not perfect, and neither is your partner, but you can make a very pleasant life together if you are both serious about providing the love and support that go along with a marriage." 

On going from lovers to parents 
"It's true that when your babies are small, there isn't much time left over for romantic gestures. But the wonderful thing about romance is that it is the quality, never the quantity, that matters. So when the baby is napping, throw a blanket on the living room floor, slice some peaches or plums or whatever you have in the house, pour a glass of something bubbly, and enjoy a mini picnic. Write love notes to each other and slip them in between the clean diapers. Be creative, and if you want your love to flourish, it certainly will do so." 

On overcoming money problems 
"The most important ingredient for getting through tough economic times is THE TRUTH - it's so important it should be capitalized and italicized. So this means that if you have any financial secrets you are keeping from your partner, you must put them on the table. Doesn't that sound scary? I am sure it does, but as with so many unpleasant things that only get bigger and stronger in the dark, these secrets have a funny way of shrinking in the light of the truth. And as they get smaller, your stress and worry will fly away. There's never a better time to be honest with your partner and yourself and make a plan for dealing with your debts and your excess spending - together. I promise, you will not regret it." 

On tuning in to your partner 
"I think the place where good marriages break down is when one or both parties begin to take the other person for granted. And yet it's understandable that this happens. Life is complicated and can be exhausting, so there is always a temptation when you get home to just tune out, because home is one place where you should feel safe enough to let your guard down this way. But there's a difference between relaxing and disengaging, and while relaxing is a healthy way to recharge your psychic and spiritual batteries, disengaging is a drain on you and your relationships. Nothing is more important than that you recognize the difference and stay present for all the people you love." 

On bringing up the past 
"The most important lesson I can teach you from our happy marriage is that we did not rehash. If something was unpleasant, we got through it, handled the fallout, and did not bring it up again in happy times. So we both knew that once a problem was solved, that was it - we would not have to answer for it again, at least not in its current form. And knowing this, we could give all our attention to fixing the problems that came along, because once they were fixed, we could forget about them, which is a very wonderful feeling." 

On controlling your anger 
"Have you ever noticed that you can't spell dangerous without anger? I'm no linguist, but I don't think that's a coincidence. When you're ready to blow, you might say anything hurtful, things you would normally spare the person you love from hearing. Don't say something you'll regret forever. Don't give your partner an excuse to come back to you with his or her own resentments. Instead, find a way to get your anger under control. For myself, I simply run through my mind a short movie of how foolishly I have been acting. You may have better luck singing a silly song, or patting your head while rubbing your tummy, or doing whatever little trick helps bring you outside of yourself long enough to regain control."

Five dysfunctional relationship clues

It’s like your heart’s starring in the movie Groundhog Day: You’re nuts about this person, so you let all kinds of red flags and other bad signs slip through your radar… until the day you decide your self-esteem has had enough, and it’s time for you to do something about it. So, even though it hurts, you decline an invitation or try to pull away from the person you’ve been seeing, because you know that you deserve more than you’re getting out of this relationship. Then,whammo — Mr./Ms. Elusive-and-Noncommittal suddenly notices you’re beating a hasty retreat and launches a charm offensive filled with compliments and loving gestures designed to win you back. For a moment, you wonder if the object of your affection has finally come to his or her senses, so you cautiously crack open the door to your heart again. And for a brief time, it’s bliss… but before you know it, you’re right back where you were before, stuck in the status quo. Then, the cycle starts anew.

Sounds exhausting, right? Unfortunately, many daters find themselves trapped in a similar pattern that literally sucks them back into a relationship that isn’t fulfilling their basic needs. That’s why it’s called “the Hoover maneuver” in some self-help/group therapy circles (yes, it’s in reference to the brand of vacuum cleaner). And unless you make a conscious choice to stop the cycle from repeating itself again, it can go on for years — if not a lifetime.

Why do so many people settle for less-than-happy relationships?
So what’s a fed up (but heartsick) person to do? The first step is simply recognizing what’s happening in your relationship. “I think that all of these situations start out with the potential cycle-breaker feeling flattered by the attention and promises of change, but the reality is that these kinds of manipulators — or even ‘abusers,’ if you will — don’t change, but their partners have to,” says relationship counselor Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed., author of Man Readers: A Woman’s Guide to Dysfunctional Men and founder of www.dysfunctionalmen.com. “The cycle-breaker needs to set boundaries quickly before getting sucked in again and again.” 

The problem with being manipulated this way (and one of the reasons it’s so difficult to spot) is because it feels good to be pursued by someone who didn’t appreciate you before. Being “Hoovered” makes you feel vindicated because this person finally seems to have realized the error of her/her ways and saying all the right things to you. Your needs are being met, and you’re happy… for a little while, anyway. Unfortunately, the reality is that a “Hooverer” will give you just enough attention to keep you hooked, though this person may not even be cognizant that he or she is doing this to you. Your on-again, off-again partner just wants to keep you in his/her life — on that person’s terms, of course — and to somehow maintain the connection. 

But here’s the question you must ask yourself: Is this a healthy relationship for you to be in? It takes two people to let this pattern happen in the first place (i.e., the victim has to be open to getting sucked back into the relationship…which isn’t hard to imagine if you truly care about someone). That said, if you realize that the situation is wearing you down more than it’s building you up, it may be time for a change. 

Think you might be a victim of the Hoover maneuver? Check out these five clues you’re getting sucked back into a potentially unhealthy situation — and how you can get back on the path towards breaking the pattern. 

Clue #1: You ask for some space and your date suddenly changes his/her tune
This is practically the definition “pulling a Hoover maneuver” on someone, because it only happens after you’ve already tried to pull away from the relationship. You see, the “Hooverer” essentially panics and realizes that losing you could be a reality. To combat this, your not-quite-ex may suddenly shower you with gifts, compliments, promises, and demonstrations of love and affection in order to persuade you to keep the relationship going a little bit longer. Even if this person won’t commit to you long-term right now, he or she can’t commit to not having you, either. So, the “Hooverer” will try to keep things going with you on an even keel (only because it makes him or her feel more stable… it really isn’t about your happiness). What usually happens next is you start hoping that maybe things will be different this time around, and eventually, you allow yourself to get back in contact again. However, if you’re looking to break the cycle, this is the exact moment when you need to call the person out on making a commitment to you. “Is this person introducing you to his/her family and friends and acting like you are someone that will be part of his/her life in the future, or are you never at that point?” asks Kaye. “If the person isn’t willing to even do that, you have no chance of being that special one.” 

Keep in mind that this person may not be consciously trying to manipulate or deceive you. Your love interest may sincerely be trying — even hoping — to make things “better this time,” which makes promising to change and taking steps to make things better even more convincing, because this person believes what he or she is saying could actually be true this time around. In this case, it’s best to take a “wait and see” approach, because peoplecan change — but it takes time for them to do so. Ask yourself how long you’re willing to wait and how many chances you’re willing to give before it’s in your best interest to move on. 

Clue #2: You’ve broken up and gotten back together five times (or more) already
Is your relationship on a rollercoaster trajectory? If you’re on, then off again so often that you spend most days confused and exhausted, that doesn’t sound like much fun, does it? Love is complicated, but it really doesn’t have to be that hard. “Too many people take the song ‘Break Up to Make Up’ too seriously,” says Kaye. “No one deserves five chances...by the third time this happens, say ‘goodbye’ instead.” Make a list of the reasons you keep breaking up with each other, and you’ll probably notice that whatever’s written there doesn’t change very much over time. This person can’t do whatever it is necessary to keep both of you happy, so move on and find someone who’s able to give you the emotional support you need in a romantic relationship. 

Clue #3: You find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop after getting back together with this person
Walking on eggshells isn’t emotionally healthy in any relationship. If you’re not feeling secure, it’s most likely because your mate is doing things that don’t make you feel safe in your relationship. “If you have a fragile ego (like many people do), this type of personality will drag you right down,” says Kaye. “A person like this may just be running back to you as a security blanket because you are always there, and codependency can often form in this type of relationship.” People who become codependent don’t know how to set healthy limits or boundaries with their partners because they’re too afraid of losing them altogether. If you find yourself feeling this way, try reading some books on the subject, or seek out a codependency support group where you can learn to stand up for yourself and find the strength to leave this cyclical relationship for good. You deserve to feel like you and the one you love are equally invested, and that it’s OK to speak your mind without worrying that your relationship will end if you do. 

Clue #4: You realize that this person’s taking up all of your free time and energy
A “Hooverer” will constantly ask when you’re free so you can spend more time together. At first it might be flattering, but that’s because this person doesn’t want you to be with anyone else — and will even start guilt-tripping you for wanting to be with friends or family. “This person is a control freak, and though it feels like the person really wants you, he/she really just wants to control you,” advises Kaye. “Soon, your life will no longer be your own, because these people are emotionally manipulative… get out of the spider’s web before you are sucked in again,” she warns. Kaye also suggests trying to create a “recovery map” for your own life and your interests if you feel that you’re losing your sense of self by staying in a relationship with this person. Write down which things you enjoy doing, the people whom you really want to spend time with, what makes you happy (beyond your relationship), and then schedule those things into your life. Also, speak to the people who act as your support system — i.e., friends and family — so they can validate your instincts about why this relationship is so toxic. These steps can help you regain a life that isn’t totally monopolized by the “Hooverer” in question. 

Clue #5: You have experienced this extreme make-up phase before with this person… and know that it won’t last
All good things must come to an end (or so they say). Perhaps that’s not always the case, but when it comes to Hoovering, it definitely is. Much like the initial “Honeymoon” phase of a relationship (which wears off after a couple gets to know each other and settles into a routine), a Hoovering phase is also limited in scope and duration. And if you’ve gone through it all before, somewhere in the back of your mind you know that eventually, all this extra attention and affection will fall back to “normal” levels once more. If somebody who treated you poorly before starts treating you well, there’s no harm in letting this person max out his or her efforts to win you back. But no matter how thick this person lays on the charm, do not change any boundaries that you have set out of self-preservation. In other words, do not settle for less than you deserve, do not stop doing things that are healthy for you or stop exercising your own independence in this relationship. And don’t assume that a Hoover phase will last forever — or use it to bargain for things that you know this person isn’t willing to give you (because you’ll only be setting this person up to fail, and setting yourself up for yet another heartbreak). “The only chance a person has of surviving these relationships is to take control and set very strong boundaries,” says Kaye, who adds: “Start thinking with your brain instead of your heart!” 

Kimberly Dawn Neumann (www.KDNeumann.com) is a popular New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in such publications as Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Redbook, Maxim and frequently online. A certified dating/relationship coach, she’s published two books: The Real Reasons Men Commit and Sex Comes First and is the founder of www.DatingDivaDaily.com. 

10 WAYS YOU choose the wrong person

Blind love is not the way to choose a spouse. Here are practical tools for keeping your eyes wide open.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights - by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?


#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.


#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
chemistry and compatibility
share common interests
share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.


#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage