Men Cheat, Women are Materialistic ( Nigerians state of mind )

To Bee Honest…

“Nigerian men are chronically unfaithful.”

“Nigerian women are materialistic.”

These are two of the most common phrases in any conversation about relationships in Nigeria. I’m exploring the validity of those statements.

Nigerian men complain about the materialism of Nigerian women, apparently our women are totally consumed with thoughts of money; of course no Nigerian man cares about cash. They’ll tell you that a Nigerian girl, especially the Lagos girl, falls in love with your wallet before she even looks at you.   When I first heard this complaint, I felt so bad for our men. Poor kiddos, how could they cope dealing with these greedy materialistic girls? I mean I know I’ve definitely judged Nigerian girls harshly. College girls from struggling families have two hundred and fifty thousand Naira (plus) weaves, the latest smartphones, and expensive trips abroad, I know it’s their pocket-money doing all that. As I’ve grown older, I’ve gotten kinder, and less judgmental(here’s hoping).

On the flip side, Nigerian women moan about the legendary infidelity of Nigerian men, Nigerian men can’t be trusted. Listening to the variety of stories about the men is absolutely petrifying; some get engaged to two women at the same time, others take mistresses on their honeymoon, placing them in the same hotel as their wives, while others maintain two families or sleep with the maids and nannies. Unfortunately, these stories aren’t fiction; we all have a few of them in our families or our close circle of friends. It’s enough to make a girl reconsider getting into this thing called marriage.

Since moving back I’ve had some experiences that have made me rethink who gets the blame in this messy situation. Recently a friend was talking about setting me up; apparently he had a number of single friends who would be ideal for me. Call me a skeptic, but I was surprised that he knew so many people who I could have fulfilling relationships with, not because I’m difficult or anything of course. His answer was that they all had really well-paying jobs. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be with an ambition-less pauper, but I think there are many other qualities beyond a well-paying job that make someone a potential partner, like that pesky thing called compatibility. However, in his experience security is the first thing a Nigerian girl asks about.

I’ve been on the receiving end of Nigerian men both young and old trying to throw money at me.  Yet when you refuse their blatant offerings, and try to find out more about them, they are uncooperative but they’ll complain about materialistic women. I’ve heard multiple times that the majority of Nigerian women are unintelligent and unable to have decent conversations. This is generally said as a back-handed compliment to me, others in the same vein say things like “you have beauty and brains”, as though the two are incompatible. Apparently women just talk about movies, celebrities and make-up.  Hearing this you would think these men are coming up with the solutions to Syria and Nigeria’s problems in their daily chats. Nah, generally they are discussing football, PS3 and if you are lucky, how to make money. I find these comments extremely insulting and not flattering in the least. I for one have never noticed a marked deficit in female intelligence among my friends and casual acquaintances, if the only women they encounter are unintelligent, the problem might be with their selection criteria not women in general. I’ve had as many terrible conversations with men as with women. This paragraph is brought on by a recent experience I had on a “date”, my date asked a question regarding some of my future academic pursuits. As I began to answer the question with the seriousness I felt it deserved, I noticed he wasn’t paying attention; he was looking down and chatting on his phone, how rude. This was the same guy who had previously commented on the lack of intelligent conversations. Ironic  eh?

I’ve spent a good bit of time considering both angles and I’ve reached a conclusion, it’s truthfully a chicken and the egg situation. Are the women materialistic because they realize that’s all they can depend on the men for? Are the men unfaithful because they are with women who choose them for only for what’s in their pocket? Do men present the situation to be used through their own laziness? They rather flash their bank cards than spend time courting a women learning about her interests and what makes her tick. Do women simply utilize the opportunities presented to them by men? Are both men and women simply not just using each other?

After interacting with Nigerian men and women, I’ve decided that this system is mutually beneficial for the active players. The men get bought women who are so desperate for money that they’ll do anything to stroke their man’s ego. These women will turn a blind eye to all their misbehavior, and accept crappy treatment from them. The women on their part have embraced the ideology of “it’s as easy to love a rich man as a poor man.” As long as they are kitted out in the latest designers, get to travel abroad and drive nice cars, life is good. I only feel bad for those who are genuinely searching for love, for that person that completes them. 60% of Nigerians are looking to be married just to be, 30% consider marriage to be their meal ticket and the remaining 10% (probably an overly generous estimate) are sincerely searching for love.  Yes, these stats are just randomly thrown out from my brain, but I don’t think the results would be different if I performed a rigorous scientific study. I’d love to hear if y’all agree or disagree.

7 Keys to Finding a Good Husband

If you’re over 23 (or younger these days), then more likely than not, your friends have started getting married. Weddings now have new meaning for you. They have graduated from being an event you attend with your parents to an occasion that gives you “ideas”. It has graduated from a “family” function to a “friends” function.
If you tell yourself the truth, before you consider any guy who shows interest in you, your mind must have taken a picture of him in a suit standing next to you. If he doesn’t fit in that picture, you’re not interested. In fact, you have started to analyze every “potential” relationship after “Hi, can I get your number?”. You are no longer into “casual dating”. Everytime you and your friends get together, a good amount of time is dedicated to catching up on “potentials”. If you’re Nigerian, everytime you visit home, or even worse, attend a family wedding, they ask you when your turn is; “when are we coming to enjoy on your behalf”, they ask; “you’re next o”, they tease. Worse still, woe betide you that your older sisters are married and you’re “next in line”. Worse still, if your younger sister is married, the pressure (sometimes indirect) is doubled.

Yes, marriage is on your mind (even if you pretend its not).
Before I continue, I have to add a disclaimer: I am not married (yet  ). So my original thoughts are yet to be endorsed. Hence, this post is inspired by long conversations with my mother and my married older sisters, cousins, friends and mentors. Also, as you can tell from its title, even though men can find inspiration in this post, its mostly for the ladies 
According to my married friends, every eligible spinster has at least one of four types of men in her life. I will detail their profiles and why you’re (probably) not married to them yet. But I won’t prescribe a solution. Instead, at the end of the post, because I’ve been so inspired by my deep conversations with the married ones, I’ll share some tips I have received and you can take the liberty to apply them to your personal dilemma.
Here we go:

1. The first love/ex: This is the guy you’ve been loving for a long time. He has your heart and probably always will. You have pictured (or planned) your wedding with this guy. Infact, your family/friends even expected you guys to have been married by now.
The problem is that he knows how much you love him so he’s relaxed: in his mind, he knows you’ll always be ‘around’. Probably, something has gone wrong. You guys may not still be together. Or you may still be excusing his “not so serious” behavior. Regardless, deep down, you ‘hope’ he’ll still be your husband.

2. The awesome friend: This is the guy who has been your friend for the longest time. You have spent a lot of time with him. He tells you everything, and you do the same. In fact, when either of you goes through heartbreak, you call each other for a shoulder to cry on, to ask “why are men/women this way?” He’s the person who helps you understand men. This is your quintessential buddy.

The problem is either (1) because you know everything about him and what has done to girls, you know he won’t make a good husband, or (2) you guys are so cool with each other, he now sees you as his sister. He may have even hooked you up with his friend or vice versa. That closes the deal. Regardless, both of you are now stuck in the friend zone.

3. The ‘not-your-type’ guy: This is the guy who has liked you for years on end. He has chased you and never gets tired of telling you how he feels, every chance he gets. You know he loves you and he will take care of you but you just can’t get yourself to commit to him.

The problem is that he’s not your type. Maybe he’s not your typical dashing guy or not as rich as you’d like your husband. You sit around thinking “if only he was taller”, “if only his nose wasn’t so big”, “if only he didn’t have those pimples all the time” or “this guy needs to leave me alone so I can focus on “elusive but hot player guy”. Either way, you don’t take him seriously even though he tells you whenever you say “yes”, he’ll marry you. Instead, you just laugh it off. You’re focused on the other guy- the one who hasn’t even looked your way.

4. The ‘potential’ family friend: This is the guy you see around all the time. You may have even grown up with him. Maybe your brother’s friend or your brother-in-law’s friend or friend’s husband’s friend. Either way, he’s always there at most family/friends gathering.
The problem is that you guys are cool but it never surpasses platonic conversations. He probably doesn’t even have your number. He’s single, and you know this. You’re single and he knows this. But he doesn’t know that you “wish” he’d just notice you. You even secretly why noone is making an effort to hook you two up.

These are the basic prescribed “types”. This list is not exhaustive. Perhaps there are more. If you think so, feel free to leave that in the comments sections. But I digress.

If you recognize at least one in your life, you’re not alone. Regardless of which of them are in your life, your “solution” lies in these “finding a good husband” tips the married ones gave me.

1. Drop the “tall, dark, rich and handsome” criteria. God bless you if you find one that meets all those credentials AND is a great husband but that shouldn’t be your focus at all. Focus on the important characteristics of a good husband: caring, hardworking, good listener, affectionate, loyal, honest, humble, ready to forsake all others, kind, respectful, and a good communicator.

Stop worrying about what people will say about your husband- “he’s not hot enough”, “your ex looked better” “your ex was richer”, etc. Those people won’t live in the marriage with you. A friend of mine mentioned sometime ago that the congratulatory Blackberry and Facebook updates about a wedding are more rampant (even from those who don’t know the couple personally) when the bride is beautiful and the groom is handsome. I laughed so hard. Well, because if you pay attention, its true.

A tweet I saw last week captures my point in black and white
-“a beautiful bride and a handsome groom will make a beautiful wedding but a prayerful bride and a dedicated husband will make a beautiful marriage”.
The wedding is for a day, the marriage is for a lifetime. Focus on the lasting values.

2. Focus on making yourself better. A lot of girls focus so much on finding the perfect man, they forget that they are imperfect. If you spend your time upgrading yourself (and I don’t mean plastic surgery), very soon you’ll be scraping the men off you. When I say upgrading, I mean, get educated, get closer to God, fix character flaws, dress nicely, keep a good reputation, etc. And like my mother always says, you can dress nicely/provocatively without being half-naked. Many a time, it is in the process of making yourself better, that you find your soulmate.

3. Recognize your Obama/Michelle when you see him/her. On the night of the Democratic National Convention when Michelle Obama spoke, social media was buzzing. Girls were talking about how they need to marry an Obama. Guys were yarning about how they need to find their Michelle. The truth is that people are only saying that because Barack and Michelle have become Obama and Michelle.

Let’s face it, Obama is handsome alright. But he isn’t the most handsome man out there. In fact, he’s a bit nerdy. Imagine you, him and Idris Elba went to the same school. You’d probably pick Idris over him. Obama is more desirable now because he has power. And Michelle, although she is elegant and intelligent, she isn’t the most attractive woman there is either. There are numerous Michelles walking around with no man because the same man who says he wants a Michelle is busy being occupied with getting the Beyonce. The reason why Michelle is so attractive now is because she has had the chance to show the world that she’s an intelligent “ride or die” wife, something Barack only saw because he actually looked ‘beyond’. Not to say Idris or Beyonce are not smart, but you get my point: Mind over matter.
“Don’t choose the better man, choose the man who’ll make you a better girl”~ Chelsea Handler in This is War

4. Be prayerful- God makes no mistakes. Tell him what you want in a husband. And sit tight, He heard you. Enough said.

5. Choose the one who feels lucky to have you. Don’t make the man who treats you like an option your first choice. Choose the one who’s excited to make you his wife. Husbands aren’t meant to complete you; they are meant to compliment you. As women, we get drawn to the “bad boys”. As Mary J Blige sings, “bad boys ain’t no good, good boys ain’t no fun”. While that may be true in dating, its the opposite in marriage. We listen to MJB sing about how she can’t stop loving her bad boy (the one who drives her crazy) and we follow her to keep loving the bad boy in our life forgetting that she’s been married for years. Hehe.

One of my “happily married” friends told me this- as women, our expression of love aka affection continues to grow but once a man gets comfortable, his expression of love dwindles. If you marry someone who loves you more, as a woman, eventually the love will level out because yours will grow and his will dwindle. Don’t look at me- I didn’t say it.
Late last year, one of my friends told me she was engaged. After all the excited “OMG Congrats love!” and “how did he pop the question” gist, I asked her how she knew he was the one. She said, “Ral, I finally stopped chasing shadows and realized my one has been there for me every step of the way”. Then she added, “He loves me so much and I like him enough to marry him”. The last statement haunted me for a bit but after picking the mind of some seasoned and successful married women, I now understand what my dear friend meant. Just like Pastor Irukwu said (and I blogged) in his 7 Keys to a Successful Marriage, she had chosen her husband not using her emotions, but using her brain- she just made a decision to love a good man; the only kind of comitment that makes long-lasting marriages.

6. DON’T ignore the signs. As women, we often ignore and justify every inkling we get that the man we are with will be a lousy husband. He belittles you and you say its because he wants to see you as a better person. He makes you feel like an “option” and you sit around begging him to “choose” you. He hits you and you say because it only happened once and he apologized, it won’t happen again (even after it happens over and over again). He says bad things about your family and you laugh it off, convincing yourself that when he gets to know them better, he’ll change.

He cheats on you and you believe him when he tells you all men cheat but that its more important that you’ll always be number one. He doesn’t care about your interests or friends and you convince yourself that his interests are enough to be your hobbies too. He tells you that his ex or that girl from the office just calls in the middle of the night because they have noone else to turn to and that they are just friends, and you choose to look the other way. He’s always “having drinks” or clubbing with the boys and never invites you out with him, and you make yourself okay with the fact that he’s coming home to you.

He tells you he’s into “business” and even though you’ve never been to his place of work, you convince yourself that he’s too “good” to be crooked. He never listens to your opinion and you credit it to him just being “a man”. When you want to break news to him, you worry about him flipping out on you, and you convince yourself its just because he’s stressed with his “work”. He treats you like you are worth nothing, and you tell yourself, it will all change once you become Mrs. I could go on and on but You get the point- Like my sister Oby always says, marriage doesn’t automatically change anything. The way he was before the wedding is the way he’ll be after you marry him. The only difference now is that you have to live with him and have his babies (should you choose to). The purpose of signs is to provide direction: Pay Attention!

7. Quit the “I don’t need a man” talk, especially in public, before God and karma both start to believe you. Most women who have that “shakara attitude” really don’t mean it. If you really don’t need a man, you’d know it and think it, but never feel the need to announce it in public just so people can think a certain way of you. Yes, please by all means, focus on being self-sufficient but be humble enough to admit you’d like a “happy ever after”.
That’s it folks. Can’t wait to hear your comments.

And by the way, I hope you were taking notes, because I was. 

Stay inspired….

7 Keys to Finding a Good Husband

If you’re over 23 (or younger these days), then more likely than not, your friends have started getting married. Weddings now have new meaning for you. They have graduated from being an event you attend with your parents to an occasion that gives you “ideas”. It has graduated from a “family” function to a “friends” function.
If you tell yourself the truth, before you consider any guy who shows interest in you, your mind must have taken a picture of him in a suit standing next to you. If he doesn’t fit in that picture, you’re not interested. In fact, you have started to analyze every “potential” relationship after “Hi, can I get your number?”. You are no longer into “casual dating”. Everytime you and your friends get together, a good amount of time is dedicated to catching up on “potentials”. If you’re Nigerian, everytime you visit home, or even worse, attend a family wedding, they ask you when your turn is; “when are we coming to enjoy on your behalf”, they ask; “you’re next o”, they tease. Worse still, woe betide you that your older sisters are married and you’re “next in line”. Worse still, if your younger sister is married, the pressure (sometimes indirect) is doubled.

Yes, marriage is on your mind (even if you pretend its not).
Before I continue, I have to add a disclaimer: I am not married (yet  ). So my original thoughts are yet to be endorsed. Hence, this post is inspired by long conversations with my mother and my married older sisters, cousins, friends and mentors. Also, as you can tell from its title, even though men can find inspiration in this post, its mostly for the ladies 
According to my married friends, every eligible spinster has at least one of four types of men in her life. I will detail their profiles and why you’re (probably) not married to them yet. But I won’t prescribe a solution. Instead, at the end of the post, because I’ve been so inspired by my deep conversations with the married ones, I’ll share some tips I have received and you can take the liberty to apply them to your personal dilemma.
Here we go:

1. The first love/ex: This is the guy you’ve been loving for a long time. He has your heart and probably always will. You have pictured (or planned) your wedding with this guy. Infact, your family/friends even expected you guys to have been married by now.
The problem is that he knows how much you love him so he’s relaxed: in his mind, he knows you’ll always be ‘around’. Probably, something has gone wrong. You guys may not still be together. Or you may still be excusing his “not so serious” behavior. Regardless, deep down, you ‘hope’ he’ll still be your husband.

2. The awesome friend: This is the guy who has been your friend for the longest time. You have spent a lot of time with him. He tells you everything, and you do the same. In fact, when either of you goes through heartbreak, you call each other for a shoulder to cry on, to ask “why are men/women this way?” He’s the person who helps you understand men. This is your quintessential buddy.

The problem is either (1) because you know everything about him and what has done to girls, you know he won’t make a good husband, or (2) you guys are so cool with each other, he now sees you as his sister. He may have even hooked you up with his friend or vice versa. That closes the deal. Regardless, both of you are now stuck in the friend zone.

3. The ‘not-your-type’ guy: This is the guy who has liked you for years on end. He has chased you and never gets tired of telling you how he feels, every chance he gets. You know he loves you and he will take care of you but you just can’t get yourself to commit to him.

The problem is that he’s not your type. Maybe he’s not your typical dashing guy or not as rich as you’d like your husband. You sit around thinking “if only he was taller”, “if only his nose wasn’t so big”, “if only he didn’t have those pimples all the time” or “this guy needs to leave me alone so I can focus on “elusive but hot player guy”. Either way, you don’t take him seriously even though he tells you whenever you say “yes”, he’ll marry you. Instead, you just laugh it off. You’re focused on the other guy- the one who hasn’t even looked your way.

4. The ‘potential’ family friend: This is the guy you see around all the time. You may have even grown up with him. Maybe your brother’s friend or your brother-in-law’s friend or friend’s husband’s friend. Either way, he’s always there at most family/friends gathering.
The problem is that you guys are cool but it never surpasses platonic conversations. He probably doesn’t even have your number. He’s single, and you know this. You’re single and he knows this. But he doesn’t know that you “wish” he’d just notice you. You even secretly why noone is making an effort to hook you two up.

These are the basic prescribed “types”. This list is not exhaustive. Perhaps there are more. If you think so, feel free to leave that in the comments sections. But I digress.

If you recognize at least one in your life, you’re not alone. Regardless of which of them are in your life, your “solution” lies in these “finding a good husband” tips the married ones gave me.

1. Drop the “tall, dark, rich and handsome” criteria. God bless you if you find one that meets all those credentials AND is a great husband but that shouldn’t be your focus at all. Focus on the important characteristics of a good husband: caring, hardworking, good listener, affectionate, loyal, honest, humble, ready to forsake all others, kind, respectful, and a good communicator.

Stop worrying about what people will say about your husband- “he’s not hot enough”, “your ex looked better” “your ex was richer”, etc. Those people won’t live in the marriage with you. A friend of mine mentioned sometime ago that the congratulatory Blackberry and Facebook updates about a wedding are more rampant (even from those who don’t know the couple personally) when the bride is beautiful and the groom is handsome. I laughed so hard. Well, because if you pay attention, its true.

A tweet I saw last week captures my point in black and white
-“a beautiful bride and a handsome groom will make a beautiful wedding but a prayerful bride and a dedicated husband will make a beautiful marriage”.
The wedding is for a day, the marriage is for a lifetime. Focus on the lasting values.

2. Focus on making yourself better. A lot of girls focus so much on finding the perfect man, they forget that they are imperfect. If you spend your time upgrading yourself (and I don’t mean plastic surgery), very soon you’ll be scraping the men off you. When I say upgrading, I mean, get educated, get closer to God, fix character flaws, dress nicely, keep a good reputation, etc. And like my mother always says, you can dress nicely/provocatively without being half-naked. Many a time, it is in the process of making yourself better, that you find your soulmate.

3. Recognize your Obama/Michelle when you see him/her. On the night of the Democratic National Convention when Michelle Obama spoke, social media was buzzing. Girls were talking about how they need to marry an Obama. Guys were yarning about how they need to find their Michelle. The truth is that people are only saying that because Barack and Michelle have become Obama and Michelle.

Let’s face it, Obama is handsome alright. But he isn’t the most handsome man out there. In fact, he’s a bit nerdy. Imagine you, him and Idris Elba went to the same school. You’d probably pick Idris over him. Obama is more desirable now because he has power. And Michelle, although she is elegant and intelligent, she isn’t the most attractive woman there is either. There are numerous Michelles walking around with no man because the same man who says he wants a Michelle is busy being occupied with getting the Beyonce. The reason why Michelle is so attractive now is because she has had the chance to show the world that she’s an intelligent “ride or die” wife, something Barack only saw because he actually looked ‘beyond’. Not to say Idris or Beyonce are not smart, but you get my point: Mind over matter.
“Don’t choose the better man, choose the man who’ll make you a better girl”~ Chelsea Handler in This is War

4. Be prayerful- God makes no mistakes. Tell him what you want in a husband. And sit tight, He heard you. Enough said.

5. Choose the one who feels lucky to have you. Don’t make the man who treats you like an option your first choice. Choose the one who’s excited to make you his wife. Husbands aren’t meant to complete you; they are meant to compliment you. As women, we get drawn to the “bad boys”. As Mary J Blige sings, “bad boys ain’t no good, good boys ain’t no fun”. While that may be true in dating, its the opposite in marriage. We listen to MJB sing about how she can’t stop loving her bad boy (the one who drives her crazy) and we follow her to keep loving the bad boy in our life forgetting that she’s been married for years. Hehe.

One of my “happily married” friends told me this- as women, our expression of love aka affection continues to grow but once a man gets comfortable, his expression of love dwindles. If you marry someone who loves you more, as a woman, eventually the love will level out because yours will grow and his will dwindle. Don’t look at me- I didn’t say it.
Late last year, one of my friends told me she was engaged. After all the excited “OMG Congrats love!” and “how did he pop the question” gist, I asked her how she knew he was the one. She said, “Ral, I finally stopped chasing shadows and realized my one has been there for me every step of the way”. Then she added, “He loves me so much and I like him enough to marry him”. The last statement haunted me for a bit but after picking the mind of some seasoned and successful married women, I now understand what my dear friend meant. Just like Pastor Irukwu said (and I blogged) in his 7 Keys to a Successful Marriage, she had chosen her husband not using her emotions, but using her brain- she just made a decision to love a good man; the only kind of comitment that makes long-lasting marriages.

6. DON’T ignore the signs. As women, we often ignore and justify every inkling we get that the man we are with will be a lousy husband. He belittles you and you say its because he wants to see you as a better person. He makes you feel like an “option” and you sit around begging him to “choose” you. He hits you and you say because it only happened once and he apologized, it won’t happen again (even after it happens over and over again). He says bad things about your family and you laugh it off, convincing yourself that when he gets to know them better, he’ll change.

He cheats on you and you believe him when he tells you all men cheat but that its more important that you’ll always be number one. He doesn’t care about your interests or friends and you convince yourself that his interests are enough to be your hobbies too. He tells you that his ex or that girl from the office just calls in the middle of the night because they have noone else to turn to and that they are just friends, and you choose to look the other way. He’s always “having drinks” or clubbing with the boys and never invites you out with him, and you make yourself okay with the fact that he’s coming home to you.

He tells you he’s into “business” and even though you’ve never been to his place of work, you convince yourself that he’s too “good” to be crooked. He never listens to your opinion and you credit it to him just being “a man”. When you want to break news to him, you worry about him flipping out on you, and you convince yourself its just because he’s stressed with his “work”. He treats you like you are worth nothing, and you tell yourself, it will all change once you become Mrs. I could go on and on but You get the point- Like my sister Oby always says, marriage doesn’t automatically change anything. The way he was before the wedding is the way he’ll be after you marry him. The only difference now is that you have to live with him and have his babies (should you choose to). The purpose of signs is to provide direction: Pay Attention!

7. Quit the “I don’t need a man” talk, especially in public, before God and karma both start to believe you. Most women who have that “shakara attitude” really don’t mean it. If you really don’t need a man, you’d know it and think it, but never feel the need to announce it in public just so people can think a certain way of you. Yes, please by all means, focus on being self-sufficient but be humble enough to admit you’d like a “happy ever after”.
That’s it folks. Can’t wait to hear your comments.

And by the way, I hope you were taking notes, because I was. 

Stay inspired….

How A Muslim Woman Should Make Her Husband Happy

Welcome to smileminds: How A Muslim Woman Should Make Her Husband Happy: 1- Beautiful Reception •After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you,begin with a good greeting. •Meet him ...

Britain's first transsexual reveals: Elvis wanted me, Michael Hutchence had me, but I fancied John Prescott

Reborn beauty: April was a model in the early 1960s

Rex

She bewitched Salvador Dali, Pablo Picasso, Elvis Presley and INXS frontman Michael Hutchence.

And at the age of 78, April Ashley still has the power to stop men in their tracks.

But the first Briton to have full sex-change surgery admits to an unusual crush.

She always fancied Labour’s ex-deputy Prime Minister, her old friend John Prescott.

“We worked together in the 1950s,” she explains. “He was a commis chef and I was in charge of the bar and restaurant.

"He was incredibly nice and very, very handsome, like a young Marlon Brando. He was a sweet, shy, very elegant young man.

"I can see why his wife Pauline fell for him. He was more than dapper– he was strapping. He was just a lovely young man.”

Over the years April and John, now Lord Prescott, have kept in touch.

But they had not seen each other for many years before he opened an exhibition of photos covering her extraordinary life this week.

“I am so touched that John came to open the exhibition,” she says.

Speaking of the incident when her old pal thumped an egg-throwing protestor, she reveals: “I was dying to tell him that if someone threw an egg at me I would have decked them too. But I’d have done it with my handbag!”

Oh lord: April’s reunion with old pal Prescott this week

Julian Hamilton/Daily Mirror

April’s still-elegant appearance in her late 70s gives no clue to the struggles of her early life when she was born as George Jamieson in the slums of Liverpool.

“It was a tough life at the beginning, very tough indeed,” she says. “I couldn’t tell anyone I felt I should have been born a girl.

“My mother wouldn’t speak to me. When I would go shopping with her, people would say to her ‘What is it?’ My brothers and sisters wouldn’t speak to me.

“I was brought up a strict Roman Catholic so I would talk to God all the time and beg to wake up as a girl.”

At 14 George ran away to join the Merchant Navy, trying to prove his masculinity. But what followed were years of soul-searching, suicide bids, and even electric shock treatment in a mental hospital.

At 20, after working in a Welsh hotel with John Prescott, she moved to Paris– and became April. She was the compere of a drag club, Le Carrousel, and won the attention of famous men.

Artists Salvador Dali and Pablo Picasso wanted her as their muse, and Elvis Presley bought her champagne every time he saw her.

Elvis Presley

April recalls: “Elvis was divine. He was stationed in Germany doing his service, but he hated Germany so he flew to Paris every weekend.

"He deflowered about 40 Bluebell girls at the Paris Lido.

“Elvis suddenly took a great shine to me but his manager Col Parker found out about me and forbade him from having anything to do with me.

"But we would be in the same club every weekend and he sent me a bottle of champagne every time.”

Dali visited the Carrousel every night for three weeks trying to persuade April to pose for him.

“He was this man with a crazy moustache, and crazy eyes, but I liked him,” she says. “But being a strict Roman Catholic, very young and very shy, I refused.”

She wasn’t at all impressed by Picasso.

“He would look you up and down and strip you with his eyes,” she says.

So did he want to paint April, or have sex with her?

“Both,” she says with a wicked laugh. “He was a dirty old man.”

Before operation: April Ashley as George

Then in 1960 another star of Le Carrousel went to Casablanca to have sex-change surgery.

At 25, April realised that her dream of becoming a woman could come true.

The surgeon was Dr Georges Burou, the French gynaecologist who invented gender reassignment surgery.

After saving up the £3,000 she needed – equivalent to £60,000 today – April went to Casablanca too.

“Dr Burou said, ‘How come a beautiful girl like you wants to be a boy?’ I put my passport in front of him and he couldn’t believe it.

"He said come in tonight and we will do the operation tomorrow. No nonsense, no psychiatrists.”

Despite the risks of the seven-hour operation she was not scared.

“I didn’t want to live if I wasn’t a woman. I promised myself I would get to the age of 25 and if I hadn’t achieved it by then, I’d kill myself.”

She adds “I was one of Dr Burou’s guinea pigs. He was quite plain about that. I had to sign forms in case I died, and I almost did. I lost all my hair and I was desperately ill.”

After operation: George became April

Ken Walker

After recuperating in Casablanca, she moved to London. It was the Swinging 60s and she was was quick to embrace it.

She admits: “It was a very promiscuous time.”

Her past unknown, April became Vogue’s most popular underwear model and beat 400 other girls to win a role alongside Bing Crosby and Bob Hope in their film The Road to Hong Kong. But in 1961 a friend told the world her secret.

“I would have had a good career had it all not come out. I didn’t get much work after that. Nobody would employ me.”

At 50 she moved to America and took jobs as a waitress or a hostess. But when her past caught up the jobs disappeared.

April has been married twice and says that on a trip to Australia in 1982 she was seduced by Michael Hutchence of INXS.

“He came in to my hotel with his entourage an asked if I would like to go to his room for a bottle of champagne.

"So I went up and he was the most beautiful man, so elegant. We had a lovely night together.”

Trans-gender pioneer: MBE honorary April Ashley

Rex

It was not until the Gender Recognition Act became law in 2005 that she was legally recognised as female and given a new birth certificate.

She returned to Britain and in 2012 she was awarded an MBE for services to transgender equality and her work with arts group Homotopia, based in Liverpool.

And this week she was back in her home town for the opening of her exhibition.

For someone with such a remarkable history she is refreshingly modest.

“I was always astonished that wherever I went people wanted to meet me,” she says.

“I would always be in a quiet corner at parties then after a few drinks people would be queueing up.

“Still, it hasn’t been an easy life. You have to be resilient. You can’t let people crush you.”

April Ashley: Portrait of a Lady is at the Museum of Liverpool until Sept­ember 21 next year.

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5 Unusual Ways Men Learn to Be Good Husbands

Eleven years in, Aaron Traister tells us the highly unusual ways he learned to be a good husband. P.S. There's useful info for women in here too. 

Work with what you've got (source: MacGyver) 
 Forget the Cosbys and the Keatons. In terms of TV role models, MacGyver made the big impression. His message: You gotta use what you have instead of lamenting what you don't. MacGyver could defuse a bomb with a paper clip and cook a 12-pound ham with nothing but a sheet of tinfoil and pair of old socks. I think about him when my wife, Karel, and I talk about money. We may not have as much as we want, but we can turn a $30 gift card to Outback Steakhouse into a romantic night on the town. We might not be able to afford a trip to the water park, but we have a hose and a Slip 'N Slide, and after the kids go to bed we have a bottle of merlot to go with it (they don't let you bring wine to the water park). We might not have the house of our dreams, but we have a home we love. We get to live in it together, with our kids, and that's what matters. 

Related: 10 Things Women Say That Make Men Go Crazy
Believe in what bonds you (source: Bill and Hillary Clinton) 
 Everyone thought that Al and Tipper Gore were the squeaky-clean couple that would last a lifetime, but in a bizarre turn of events, the Gores are no more and it's the Clintons who have been married for almost 40 years. We've witnessed their highs (usually occurring on the campaign trail at places like McDonald's) and very public lows (you know what happened). As a young dating dude in the late '90s, it was eye-opening to learn that people stay together and separate for a million different reasons. And sometimes it's the weirdos you invite to dinner who spend the entire night arguing who turn out to have the surprisingly durable marriage. Over time, I've seen that the Clintons share something bigger than what was, in retrospect, a gigantic but passing disturbance: They both possess unbridled ambition. That love of power seems to have transformed the man who couldn't keep it in his pants into his wife's biggest supporter, someone who truly loves and respects her. Understand each other's goals and long-term desires, and you'd be surprised what you can get through. 

Related: Top 10 Things Men Hate To Hear In Bed
Get busy in the kitchen (source: Jamie Oliver cookbooks) 
Jamie Oliver is a pale, gangly dude who waxes poetic about carrots, yet women go crazy for him. Women like my wife. However, I can't hate this man, because his easy meals are actually good and he gave me the confidence to get in the kitchen with Karel. Cooking together after work is a million times better than unwinding on the Internet. You're sharing a steamy space and you wind up with food. I've got everything I need right here, thanks. 

Show your love in your own crazy ways (source: Mom and Dad) 
Our parents are our first relationship role models, successful or otherwise. I was over at my parents' house the other day and saw an old baby-formula container on their counter, full of M&M's. When pressed, my mother admitted that she fills it up so that when my dad gets light-headed or dizzy, he can just "pop a few M&M's" to get straightened out. My dad has type 2 diabetes. My mom is managing my father's diabetes with M&M's portioned out into an old baby-formula container. yhyuykooooooooooooiuuuuuuu (that's what it looks like when the reality of what you've just typed is so ridiculous that you have no choice but to smash your head against the keyboard). I guess even the worst decisions can be motivated by love: She doesn't want him to get dizzy, she knows he'll forget to eat lunch, so she gives him his "medicine." It's not perfect-but then again, neither is marriage. 

Related: 8 Things All Guys Are Secretly Insecure About
Keep trying to get it right (source: your partner) 
Really, this is the most important person you learn about marriage from. There are the little things your spouse teaches you, like "Put the toilet seat down" or "Don't bother me while I'm watchingDoctor Who," but there are also the larger lessons. It took me a long time to learn how to fight. I tried fighting like my parents did, but that didn't work because Karel doesn't respond well to yelling. I tried burying it deep down so I wouldn't yell, but that didn't solve anything because I went mute. So now I've developed a very monotone delivery when I'm mad. It's not like Karel enjoys my fighting voice (I basically sound like a robot), but she doesn't tune it out. We don't scare the kids, we don't scare each other-hey, it works for us. I could only have learned to fight like a robot from being married to Karel, and I'm sure she's learned equally valuable lessons from me. I'll ask her what they are just as soon as Doctor Who is over. 
by  Redbook