10 Signs She’s Really In Love With You

When it comes to love, and particularly women, men can experience difficulties in deciding if a woman loves them or not.

There are ways to tell if a woman loves you by the way she moves, the way she speaks, and other actions she takes even when she is not with you.

If you are in a new relationship, and don’t know how to interpret the signals you’re getting from the woman you are dating, here are ten signs she loves you:

1. You notice a change in her appearance
When it comes to a woman who is in love, you will notice a sudden makeover in the way she looks. Her makeup, hairstyle, clothes and accessories will change as she will do anything to try and impress you.

2. She shows genuine concern for you
When a woman falls in love, she will worry about you and won’t be able to stay away if she notices you’re having troubles. She will let you know that she’s there for you in case you need her, and she will be deeply concerned and interested in any problems you’re having.

3. She shows you off to family and friends
A woman who really loves a man is proud to be with him and can’t wait to show him off to her friends and family. She will constantly talk about you with others and will be deeply interested in wanting to know your parents and your friends.

4. She makes sacrifices for you
Another sign that she really loves you is when she takes the time to be with you and to do the things you love to do. It is easy for her when you do the things she likes to do, but if you’ve noticed that she’s given up these normal activities to be with you, it’s an indication that she cares about you a great deal.

5. She talks about the future with you
A woman in love will talk very excitedly about the future, making plans regarding it and telling you about the things she wants the two of you to do together. She will make subtle hints while imagining building a future with you in it.

6. She does unexpected, yet pleasant things to surprise you
It’s in a woman’s nature to want to give to the people she cares about. If she begins doing things like showing up at your workplace with lunch, buying you meaningful gifts, straightening up around your apartment, cooking you dinner, or helping with your laundry, she is very likely in love with you.

7. She touches you frequently
A woman in love enjoys being physically close to the person she appreciates so much, so you should guess her feelings from reading her body language. She will touch you often, rest her hand on your arm, massage your back when you’re together and she might even have goose bumps when she’s near you.

8. You are the only guy she’s focused on
If she’s in love with you, she won’t be bothered with dealing with other guys, as you’re now the only one she focuses her attention on.

9. She wants to be around you as much as possible
A woman in love won’t think twice about clearing up her busy schedule for you. She will postpone her appointments, be late for meetings, and skip classes at a moments notice to spend as much time with you as possible.

10. She wants to know intimate details about you
A woman in love will show a lot of interest in the life of a particular guy, so if she starts being extremely curious, sincerely and profoundly interested in every aspect of your life, asking about your day, wanting to know everything about your childhood, your family, and things that happened in your life that made you the man you are today, it’s a very good indication that she loves you.

An expert look at why people cheat

Being cheated on: Many of us wonder and worry about it — and some of us have to work very hard to recover from this devastating experience. To help address your questions on all facets of this topic, we hosted a live chat with Dr. Gilda Carle, a relationship expert and best-selling author of Don’t Bet on the Prince! How To Have The Man You Want by Betting on Yourself. Here, we share her wise advice on how lies and infidelity can threaten a relationship — and what to do if you find yourself navigating this rocky romantic territory. 

Q: What is the main reason for cheating in relationships?

Dr. Gilda: There are many reasons why people cheat. Sometimes it’s what they saw in the house they grew up in. Sometimes all their buddies are doing the same thing. Sometimes it’s because cheaters don’t feel good about themselves and look for people who will make them feel better. Sometimes a cheater’s relationship is crashing and he or she doesn’t want to deal with that reality, so cheating gets used as a bandage. And sometimes a person is so self-centered and egocentric that all he (or she) can think of is me, me, me. So there are many different reasons why people cheat. Your objective (and all singles should do this) is to make sure that you size somebody up before you become deeply, emotionally involved. And when you do, if you see a pattern that existed in that person’s behavior in the past you’ll pretty much be able to predict the behavior that this person is going to demonstrate in the future. 

Related: 7 signs your honey may cheat

Q: How do people deal with the guilt of cheating?

Dr. Gilda: Somebody who cheats is looking for justification and rationalization more than anything else. So, he or she usually finds a way out in his or her own mind so that there isn’t any guilt. It’s often the person who’s cheated on who feels that he or she must have done something wrong to have caused it. My advice is to look more carefully at what’s going on before deciding to take the burden of blame onto yoursel

Q: What exactly is the definition of cheating, anyway?

Dr. Gilda: Cheating can be flirting or it can be kissing. Many people spend lots of time on the telephone flirting with somebody when they should instead be investing that very valuable time in their relationship at home. So, the question is: would you want your loved one to be doing what you’re doing with another person? That’s the question you should ask when defining what cheating means to you. 

Related: Confessions: 7 reasons why women cheat

Q: Do you agree with the phrase, “once a cheater, always a cheater” or not?

Dr. Gilda: I think that people can change, but they have to want to in order for it to stick. You can’t make somebody change! 

Q: Is it true that, at some point, all men cheat?

Dr. Gilda: That’s definitely not the case. Plenty of women are cheaters, too. Men are not cheating alone; they are cheating with women. Every time I answer a question about cheating, I get tons of emails from men (and plenty of women, too) saying they are in the same situation — cheating on their mates. 

Q: I just ended a relationship that was full of lies. How do I trust again?

Dr. Gilda: Trust is the most difficult thing to build in any relationship. You must start to trust yourself and your own instincts about people. Trust begins with trusting yourself and your ability to assess the different people who come into your life. It’s going to take some time, so don’t try to rush it. But I also don’t want you to go out on dates and go through this whole speech about how you were cheated on and that you find it very hard to trust again. Because then your dates will feel as though they have to jump through hoops to prove otherwise to you. As you begin to trust your own judgment, you will find a new partner who is more trustworthy. 

Related: Can a cheater truly change?

Q: I believe that my partner of two years is cheating. What are the main signs to look for?

Dr. Gilda: Has your partner started to care more about what he or she looks like? Has this person stopped listening closely to what you say? Does your mate make excuses for not showing up on time, or not showing up at all? In general, you feel in your gut that something has changed. I believe everyone knows, subconsciously, that his or her partner is cheating when that’s what is going on. 

Q: How do you tell if a man is just saying what he thinks you want to hear?

Dr. Gilda: Well, spend more time with him and find out if there are inconsistencies in what he’s saying. On first dates, lots of men (and women!) say what he or she thinks that other person wants to hear. That’s why first dates only come around once! You have to see if what your date said early on in the evening makes sense after you know each other a little bit better — and makes sense the following week, and the week after that. 

Related: Are you two meant to last?

Q: How is it that one day you are the love of someone’s life and almost overnight you’re forgotten?

Dr. Gilda: The question should be: How well did you know this person from the start? If somebody is telling you that you’re the love of his or her life, how long have you known this person for that statement to be justified? I have found that relationships that begin very quickly usually end just as quickly. But relationships that have maintained themselves over time usually are an investment made by both people, and one or both of them will be less likely to just wake up in the morning and decide they want to pack it in. 

Q: Can a man have a “friendship” with a woman outside his marriage or dating relationship?

Dr. Gilda: Absolutely. Actually, I encourage that because this is where they get information about how other women think, other women feel. Just because he has a friendship with a woman doesn’t mean he’s interested in her romantically. 

Q: What are the success rates for relationships after cheating?

Dr. Gilda: It depends on how hard two people want to work on their relationship. Usually after cheating there’s tremendous distrust, so it’s going to take a while for both parties to prove to the other that it was a mistake. It really depends. Give it time — consider seeking out a therapist to help you take the relationship one step at a time, rather than trying to make it alright the next day. Working through it can show where difficulties have been in a relationship, and the two partners are more committed than they’ve ever been once they see the errors of their ways. 

Related: 8 clues that a cheater has changed

Q: I separated from my husband due to his affair with a woman much older than me. I’m younger, in better shape and fairly intelligent, so why did this affect my self-esteem so badly?

Dr. Gilda: What you have just learned is that being attracted to somebody has very little to do with age, looks and all these other things. Being attracted to someone comes from the way that other person makes you feel. So don’t take it personally, but try to find out for your next relationship what was lacking in your marriage and what kinds of things you need to work on so you grow from the experience. 

Q: Should a woman believe a man to be loyal even if he likes to flirt?

Dr. Gilda: Flirtation is one thing, cheating is another. Some guys need their egos boosted so they go out of their way to seem like big shots with other people (women). But it’s usually quite harmless. However, if it bothers you, you owe it to yourself to level with this guy. 

Related: Traits unhappy couples have in common

Q: If you don’t bet on the prince, who should you bet on?

Dr. Gilda: Yourself! My book Don’t Bet on the Prince is subtitled “How to Have the Man You Want By Betting On Yourself.” This goes for how to have the job you want, how to have the income you want, how to have the life you want. Everything in your life is dependent upon your willingness to put your faith in you. 

Q: Is being with someone just to avoid loneliness ever justified?

Dr. Gilda: No, no, no. That reminds me of the line in the movie Jerry Maguire: “You complete me.” In reality, nobody can complete anybody else — the key to successful dating is to be complete before you enter into a relationship.
 

I Like Much Older Guys, Am I Crazy?”

I have dated guys that are my age and I have enjoyed their personalities and had (somewhat) successful relationships and although I was attracted to them, I never felt like I was in love.

I just find older guys physically appealing. I get really turned on by grey hair and male pattern baldness. And dare I even say the slight paunch that men get when they are older.

I have not found a man in his 20s or 30s attractive in a few years now. This is pretty weird, because I am definitely a young-looking 26 year old, and I am quite fit, dress for my age, often get approached by guys my age etc.

I would not say I am craving the security and stability that comes with being older or dating someone who is older, although those are things most people who would like a relationship would logically desire… including me.

By the way, this is definitely not “Daddy Issues.” My parents have a long, healthy, happy marriage and I come from a very close-knit loving family.

It’s also definitely not financial. I am pretty successful and independent (have lived by myself and paid my own way since 18), and do not want someone to take care of me or buy me things in order to feel appreciated. Nor do I feel at this stage that I want to be nurtured and treated in a juvenile manner.

I am currently dating a man who is 41. We started dating about 3 years ago and I originally lied to him and said I was a young-looking 30 year old for our first three dates so he would take me seriously — we met through online dating. Although I love him dearly and think he is very attractive, I still find men that are much older than him more appealing. Like around 60 would be ideal for me.

I’ve tried talking to my best and closest girl friends about this, and they usually just laugh it off as a joke. But I’m being serious. I am considering leaving my current relationship because these feelings are causing me to feel a bit distracted. I think I should try pursue this. I am worried about what my family and friends will think.

Everyone knows I have always liked older men, but I’m afraid that dating anyone older might cause my parents to have… um… heart attacks.

Do I need help? AM I CRAZY?!

Is saying “I love you” important?

A lot of women these days have come to expect every man to play the perfect part of a Hollywood or Nollywood romance script by saying the three letter sentence of “I love you” almost every time we are with them like a broken piece of musical vinyl record or a scratched compact disc.

It has gotten to a stage whereby a man who’s not used to it or wasn’t raised to be like that is thought to be unromantic or worse than that because it is assumed that he’s not going to be a loving and caring person.

The make believe world of the cinema has been painting a very rosy picture of its idea of the consequences of saying these magic words and a lot of people are getting fooled into wrong assumptions especially our young women who forget that there’s the scenario where a man will say it without acting it.

Most people assume erroneously that for someone to say these words is for that person to be avowing unconditional feelings of caring about us, while also having a caring and tender softness for us.

They believe someone who says these words is not holding back his emotions and is actually bold enough to not care about a heart break. For a lot of our young women who have been raised with the ideas of the movie world behind them, it’s a must that their partners must say these words at very regular and irregular intervals to assuage those little feelings of doubts that may rear up once in a while in their mind.

They feel saying these words will surely assure them that all is still well in their relationships and that anyone who doesn’t say nor act these words is definitely not in love with them. The truth is that expressing love as an idea of being romantic has many manifestations.

There are so many ways of expressing our feelings that one should not be tied down to just a particular one all because the larger society now expects us to follow the norms of Hollywood and Nollywood. Makebelieve is just as it is and only mirrors the larger society once in a while. Most times, we are dealing with ego when we have to express love in a particular way.

At other times it’s a reflection of our complexes, whether superiority or inferiority. This is because in following the norms or dictates of societal expectations, we will be putting ourselves in a box and when it comes to the affairs of the heart, it’s always better to think outside the box.

We all want reassurances from our partners at regular intervals to show that our commitment to them is not in vain but for me, that reassurance should be beyond saying the words “I love you”.

Communication in any relationship should be beyond verbal.

The non verbal communication for me, is more important because most times when your partner shows commitment to you through his actions, it’s mostly out of what he feels in his heart.

Take this scenario, you adore each other and spend every possible moment basking in each other’s company. He calls you at different times of the day just to ask after your welfare.

He’s always concerned about your future and he goes out of his way times without number to lend a helping hand to securing that future through so many means whether financial, emotionally and or through advice and yet he’s shy or not forthright with verbally expressing himself with the words “I love you” and you say he’s not caring enough because he’s not subscribing to your expectations of how the game of love should be played?

Please get real. Life is not like the movies where every love story ends with the couple living happily ever after.

In truth, there is no greater commitment from your man than he’s doing by dating you exclusively or being married to you alone, sharing his future plans with you while including you in those plans and consulting you even when planning his daily schedule to include those precious little moments with you.

I know that like I said earlier, there’s a tendency for most people to always judge their relationships based on these three words of “I love you” as a yardstick to measuring one’s partner’s commitment quotient, but I stand firm in my believes that while saying “I love you” may be important, it should not be done in isolation of acting it too.


Not as important as acting it

Whenever people talk about the three powerful words in relationships, there must be an argument. For some, saying “I love you” is purely western culture which has crept into our society, while for others, it is a basic declaration which should be made regularly, if love truly exists. For another set of people, the declaration lacks potency where same is not followed up with corresponding action.

There are four basic scenarios to consider, because every relationship can be grouped in one of the four. Some relationships ‘rotate’ the categories the same way we have weather changes (summer, winter, autumn and spring) while some are relatively constant like having winter all through the year (Scary!!!). The four scenarios are: 1. Saying it and acting it 2.

Not saying it, but acting it 3. Saying it, but not acting it 4. Not saying it and not acting it Yes, everybody wants to be in category 1 and nobody wants to be in categories 3 and 4, particularly 4!

Category 3 can be tolerated by people who wish to believe that they will migrate to category one after a while (you know the school of thought that says that the more you say something, the more you believe it and act it). It seems to me that those who categorise the vocal expression of love as western are those who are lazy and dishonest about love and how to prove it.

Men see the importance of saying “I love you” during the chase, then suddenly realize that it is western culture after they have caught their ‘prey’. Oh Please!!!! Whatever you thought to do during the chase, you ought to do much more after the “victorious catch”.

In other words, if you used to say “I love you” during every telephone conversation, visit, and at the end of every sms or bbm, then increase the tempo! I strongly believe that it is very, very, very important, for the health and sustainability of any intimate relationship, for love to be expressed in all ramifications. Say it! Act it! Do it! It is a package and no portion of it should be missing.

Saying “I love you” regularly is a very vital part of that package, particularly for the female folk. You can buy gifts for your woman, give her money, and take her places, but if you do not say “I love you” by word of mouth, she may not feel so loved.

Yes, there are materialistic women that can readily interpret gifts to mean true love, but after a while, reality will set in. Now, remember that I keep using three words “I love you”; not the curt “love you!” which some men manage to whisper at the end of a telephone conversation or the short form “luv u” which they often use to end bbm chats and sms. No! Man, you must say those words in full if you really mean it; not just on the phone, but face to face.

Very important, believe me! Remember, a man falls in love through his eyes, while a woman falls in love through her ears. This is a known fact, so I wonder why men remember this during the “toasting” season and quickly forget it when she becomes exclusively yours. Life is simple; if a man truly loves a woman, he will not only act it; he will say it time and time again.

I do not subscribe to infidelity, side relationships, office romance, etc. But has it ever occurred to you that such relationships are formed when someone gets to hear sweet nothings or receives needed attention from someone other than his/her partner?







If a woman keeps hearing “I love you” from another man, even against her will and instructions, and she keeps going home to her man whose vocabulary is suffering scarcity of the words, it’s just a matter of time… So, Is saying “I love you” important in relationships? Of course. But not as important as acting it!

10 (scientific) ways to have better séx

When a man goes down on his partner, he should be enthusíastic, tell her how beautiful she is and how great she tastes. Don’t treat it like a chore.

Tell Her She Looks (and Tastes) Great

“It’s been proven that women who feel confident about the appearance of their genítals are more open to different kinds of séxual activity, and are more likely to orgásm because they feel relaxed… When a man goes down on his partner, he should be enthusíastic, tell her how beautiful she is and how great she tastes. Don’t treat it like a chore.” —Debra Lynne Herbenick, Ph.D., Indiana University, Kinsey Institute

Use Your Ears


“The only difference between a gígolo and a regular guy is that a gígolo listens to what a woman wants in béd. So, ask. I would also advise that you to ask her while not in the bédroom — raise the discussion while out walking or doing some other casual yet íntimate thing together.”
—Dr. Helen Fisher, Department of Anthropology, Rutgers University

Touch Hér Evérywhere (with Oíl)


“Sénsual touching reléases a powerful séx hormoné called oxytocín, which increases a woman’s téstosterone levels and ignités her séx drive. The séductive silky feel of oil béing rubbéd on skin is a turn-on for more passionaté séx — for both of you.”
—Carol Cassell, Ph.D, former president of the Society for the Scientific Study of Séxuality, Western Region

Bring the Kitchen into the Bédroom

“árginine is the basis for Viágra, so men should stick with foods high in it — such as oysters, fish, and other lean proteins. Everything that’s good for you above the waist is good for you below the waist as well: greens and beans; high protein/low-fat foods; and brightly colored fruits and vegetables, high in ántioxidants. The Standard American Diet is … a detriment to performance.”
—Lynn Edlen-Nezin, Ph.D, co-author of Great Food, Great Séx

Take Your Time Undréssing


“There is a degree of manipulation when it comes to the amount of néurotransmitter released… Looking at a nudé picture will triggér a quick and strong release of dopaminé and possibly oxytocín, but it fades quickly… Let her work for it a little; she’ll enjoy the prolongéd néurological orgásm more.”
—Andrea Kuszewski, Behavior Therapist and Consultant, Boston, Massachusetts

Take a Showér


“There’s no proven human pheromone to make you irresistible… So, until one is found, wash well — you can have too much of a good thing. (But why not leave a worn T-shirt at her house? It will keep you always in her mind.)”
—Dr. Tristram Wyatt, Department of Zoology, University of Oxford

Create a Mood — Turn the Lights Down

“For women to get ároused, parts of their brains associated with stress and ánxiety need to de-activate, according to neurologicál studies in the Netherlands. If women aren’t relaxed, they’re not going to enjoy séx. So dim the lights and share a fántasy. A Harvard study found that when you hug a woman longer than thirty seconds, it increases her oxytocín levels and anticipation of séx.”
—Ian Kerner, Ph.D, FAACS, author of She Comes First: the Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

Reversé Cowgirl Position


“Find out what position of intércourse is most stimulating to her — it’s usually woman on top, facing away, also known as the reverse cowgirl. The angle of the pénis through the anterior/front wall of the vágina stimulátes the area of the G-spot.”
—Beverly Whipple, Ph.D, Professor Emerita at Rutgers University and co-author of The Science of Orgásm

Don’t Worry So Much — Intércourse Isn’t Everything

“If you’re thinking, ‘I hope it works! I hope it works!’ it’s not going to work. Take penetrative séx off the table for a month — do everything but that. Avoid making intércourse the be-all/end all. In most cases, once men stop worrying about it, it starts working. You can definitely stress yourself out of a boner.”
—Emily Wentzell, Assistant Professor of Anthropology, University of Iowa

Get Her Pregnant (On Purpose)


“If you’re trying to impregnate your wife or girlfriend, stop thrusting immediately after éjaculating. The shape of your pénis… was designed by natural selection to work as a retraction device, removing competing males’ spérm from your female partner’s váginal tract. So if you keep going at it after you’ve achieved orgásm, you’re basically disadvantaging your own reproductive success.”
—Jesse Bering, Ph.D, director, Institute of Cognition and Culture, Queen’s University, Belfast

The Perfect Picture

5 Types Of Men To Avoid On Social Media

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Hey Hey Hey My smile minds people ! I’m back again (I know I’m a trouble maker) but this time I bring good things in the form of advice. In 2013, in the age of twitter, facebook, instagram, myspace, blah blah blah it’s no surprise that a good number of the people we end up meeting and dating are from the virtual world.

If you want to lie to yourself then lie, but for those that do set P or intend to set P with those peeps online, here are some tips of type of guys to avoid.

1. Mr Noise Maker

Yes! This guy is always on every discussion that’s going on. Every fight, every game, every political discussion, everything he must talk. One has to wonder, does this guy have a life outside his phone or laptop? You can spot him by the 556k tweets he already has (most of them retweets of his replies) or the numerous updates that clog your minifeed. Chances are he’s a popular person on social media, but there is a greater chance that he’s a lamo in real life. Don’t believe me? Meet one of them. Hopefully you’ll get to have a full conversation without him constantly on his phone updating something.

Some call them twitter celebrities, me I call them noisemakers.

2. The I Hate Women Guy

You know you’ve seen them. Every excuse to bash a girl they are on it. Calling girls ashawos, hoes, etc. They get all the retweets and think ultimately they are making sense but in reality they come off as complete idiots. One has to wonder if these guys have mothers. On the flip side they rarely have anything positive to say about any woman, and in their books all women are evil. Frustration due to lack of P? Maybe. Who knows?

3. TMI

Oh-M-G!! These are the guys that don’t have a close lid on their page. If it’s on their mind they are sharing it. Be it issues at home, in their relationships, business, whatever. If there’s a problem, that ish is going on facebook, twitter, etc with immediate effect. In my opinion it’s just tacky, and who knows, maybe when/if you guys date, and break up and your whole gist will be on CNN & BBC the next morning. Yea, if you like your business to yourself, run from this guy when you see him.

4. Mr Big Baller

His profile has all the achievements he’s ever had in his life! If he won 10 naira in a competition, he’ll add “N10 winner 2013” to his bio & profile. He’s always bragging about how much he’s making, what he just bought, that he’s in VIP, who he’s chilling with, posting pics of cars he probably doesn’t own or houses he doesn’t live in. I mean I know social media is for sharing but jeez, no one needs to know if you just made 20 naira yesterday. That’s for yourself.

Reason to avoid this guy? The big letdown! After all the bragging you’ll be thinking he’s living the life, however….. Nothing. Probably has none of the stuff he’s bragging about. Real big boys move in silence 

5. Mr See My Body

Let me just say this first, there’s nothing wrong with sharing an occasional body photo or gym photo every so often, but if every other picture of you on instagram or faceboook is about your body then one has to wonder if you have anything else to offer. I mean your last 4 avis or profile pictures don’t all have to be you half naked. We get it.

You’ll see him always updating some gym status, or talking about eating healthy (always) or constantly showing the 6 packs. I mean I like looking o, but after a while he will just come off as doing the most…. Unless of course he’s running a fitness business 

Ok that’s all ladies. I’m sure there’s plenty more types of guys to avoid on these things called social media, and I’d like to hear what you have. So yea, let’s hear it.

What kind of men do you avoid on social media?

Fun Until Feelings: The Unintended Shift From Unattached to Attached

When single and wanting to maintain that status because of desires to have fun; usually consisting of casual or consistent sex and talking to several people at once to boost up ones own morale, while perhaps also gaining sexual and even financial favors are typically the objection for such single ones when meeting someone new. After meeting a new person who the individual may either find physically attractive or otherwise- but because they show interest may therefore be entertained, most likely will be stored as a new phone contact and thus the beginning of regular or even random communication. Mindful of the fun he/she wishes to gain out of the potential “relationship,” motives whether direct or indirect are displayed. In many cases however, what originally was meant to be a distant and selfish relationship based off of fun and games, turns into strong feelings of fondness, joy, and entitlement.

“Catch no feelings” is a phrase frequently echoed by the experienced and careful, which almost serves as a code of conduct when dealing with the opposite sex because it warns against the subconscious development of unintended feelings. Obviously, when single and having fun, the point is not to have a care in the world (while still being safe) and to satisfy personal interests. Any other outcomes like feeling the absence of and wanting to know whereabouts are emotions that having fun avoids, and in the words of Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Clearly, such emotions were never the intention, but when it turns into that, that single person must decide whether or not they can handle that their feelings toward the person they have been casually involved with has changed. Unfortunately, having fun tends to be a selfish course but when two people are on the same page, the merrier. Also, the truth is, having fun does not only include sexual and financial pleasure but going places and doing things recreationally enjoyable.

For those not careful; regular exchange and private time spent can lead to “catching” feelings which changes the initial approach from carefree to concerned. At the beginning when motives are directly or indirectly displayed, which can include being sexually pushy or subliminal about financial and sexual wants, at some point there becomes a different mindset where having fun takes a backseat and one becomes way more involved emotionally, physically and even financially than intended.

For example, a guy friend of mine who never meant for things to have gotten serious with a young lady who because of physical appearance would have never considered anything outside of a sexual relationship grew attached. At first, he like many single guys had a deceptive approach used to convince the young lady into believing he was sincere with mature intentions. His games and way with words were well received and returned with kind and caring gestures, and soon enough, sex. As imagined, for her, sex created a sense of possession over him and she therefore began treating the “relationship” as something worth working on: investing time and energy. Subconsciously, she became someone he could trust and got comfortable around. When he knew of other men trying to talk to her he got jealous and frustrated whenever time spent together was interrupted. However, no doubt were there moments when he was disappointed with where things escalated to but felt it was foul to end it and not to mention, he simply became emotionally attached.

For some, developing feelings are an inevitable result, especially if things are not kept in check. Too much time spent talking, sleeping over, and doing things together only leads to developing feelings. And while some will accept the change or even struggle with it, others find being attached a headache they cannot handle thus finding a way out.

By Ashley I. Okonkwo

Should I choose Man A or Man B?

I have been was in a relationship with a man for three years. I will call him A. We lived together and he wanted to and still wants to marry me. While I started and developed the relationship with him because I was very lonely at the time, I developed feelings for him and to this date, he is my closest friend. The problem that I always had when I was with him was that I was never in love with him. Staying in the relationship felt very emotionally safe and I was happy being with him even though I never felt the “butterflies in the stomach” being with or thinking of him. He felt like a family and I did and still do care about him. And that was what I was looking for – the emotional comfort of having someone next to me who loves me and cares about me.
The missing part in our relationship was the fact that I never felt romantically about him and so two years later, I started sleeping with another man B, which developed into a relationship. I feel in love with B but I have been comparing him with A and this of course has made me see more of his negatives. I am very attracted to him and like to spend time with him. However, when the time came to “go home”, i.e. do every day things, relax and stay home, I would always want to meet with A. A continues to feel like home, like the place where I go at the end of the day to be comfortable, share my day at work, watch TV, or just relax while being silent.
I did not tell A about my relationship with B. Soon, I decided to move out and live alone for some time to figure things out and decide who I wanted to be with. The process of deciding to move out and moving out was very difficult and hurtful. I was and I believe still am in depression about it. I am still keeping in touch with A every day and to be confused as to whether I should marry him. There is so much history between us and I cannot stop worry about him. He continues telling me that he loves me and that he wants to marry me.
I have been seeing with B for almost one year now and he also proposed a marriage to me. The moment he proposed, I started fantasizing how we both will live together and will have children together, and the thoughts made me feel happy. But I also started paying attention to his minuses that I now not like and am not sure whether I would tolerate or accept in a life partner. I also imagined that if we get married, I will have to end seeing A, which made me very sad. So, it has been months now when I have been thorn into the dilemma about whom I should choose. I want to get married and at times I think that if one of them was not in the picture, I would easily say YES to the other one. I am also thinking that if I am confused for such a long time, then the answer to both of them should be NO. However, the thought of not having either of them in my life makes me feel very sad. A gives me love and comfort but I am not romantically attracted to him. I am attracted to B and want to hold him, kiss him, travel with him, have adventures with him, etc. But B is simple, self-centered, immature and often shallow, and when I need a person who understands me and feels what I need and how I feel, I think about A. I feel a very strong connection with A and at times I even feel angry at B that he was the” lucky one” for not making any effort as A made to make sure that I am doing well as I am today.

A: As difficult as this is, you are a lucky woman, indeed, to have two men in your life who love you and want to be with you and with whom you can imagine a future. Although on the face of it, A is the representative of more mature and lasting love, B has the advantage of being the one who makes your heart swoon. Neither would be a bad choice – as long as you committed to the choice you made.

However — I don’t think your problem is who to choose. It sounds like your could be happy with either. The problem as I see it is that you are very scared to make any choice at all. By staying ambivalent and by thinking about the charms of these two men as different but equal, you forestall making any decision. If you delay long enough, one of these guys is going to give up. Then you will have to choose between the one who stayed or no choice at all. Meanwhile, you are being dishonest with both. When either of them finds out about the other, that may decide the issue for you as well.

The common denominator of these possibilities is the result: You avoid making an active choice and taking responsibility for it. Please don’t hear this as a scold. It’s not. It’s intended to provoke you to do some thinking about just what you are doing. I wonder why you are so reluctant to choose. I wonder why taking responsibility for the course of your life makes you stop in your tracks. What has happened in your life that you have reached your 30s so scared of commitment that you let yourself deceive good men who love you?

I hope you will consider seeing a therapist to help you sort this out. Your letter shows you to be an intelligent, thoughtful person who could make good use of some sessions with a sympathetic counselor who would push you to be honest with yourself. You are fortunate to live in a city where there are many therapists. One caution: You could repeat the same dilemma in looking for a therapist; never being able to choose between equally well trained and experienced people. I suggest you talk to your doctor or someone else you trust to get a recommendation and just go with it – at least at first.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Friends with benefits turned into L-U-V”

Friends with benefits — or “FWBs,” as they’re often called — are a hot romantic topic across the pop-culture landscape these days. Many wonder: Can hook-ups and FWBs ever lead to a committed, long-term relationship? According to the most recent Singles in America study (and contrary to conventional wisdom), it seems the answer might be “yes.” In this year’s survey, 47 percent of singles reported having had a FWB relationship in the past (40% of women vs. 53% of men). With a drastic year-over-year increase, FWBs are transforming into long-term romances more frequently than ever before (2012: 44%, 2011: 20%). And 33% of singles say they have had a one-night stand that turned into a relationship.

Those are the facts. But what’s driving them?

Related: How to go from “just friends” to something more

Some argue that the reasons are cultural. FWBs may be more common than ever in our fast-paced world, but the need for love remains one of our strongest desires. While we may step into the shallow end of the pool out of ease and convenience, we soon find ourselves swimming into the deeper waters and forming more profound connections. Others look to science for proof that biology always wins. “A one-night stand leading to love makes sense because of our biology,” says evolutionary biologist Dr. Justin R. Garcia of the Kinsey Institute, who co-authored the Singles in America study. “Casual sex is rarely casual because of the biological and psycho-emotional connections that form [between both people].”

To explore the reasons further, I went in search of the real-life stories behind these compelling statistics. These six men and women let us in on why they think their FWB relationships turned into the committed kind. 

1. “I finally learned to clarify what I wanted from a relationship after my first marriage ended in divorce”
“I was not looking for love after my divorce,” says Marylander Tracy, 37. “Getting out of my marriage had been a hassle, and I just wanted to have some fun. My friends said to ‘be single and mingle,’ so I did — and along came Mark, who is a few years younger than me. It was easy and I felt no pressure, but I was so freaked out about getting into something serious that I kept telling him, ‘I can’t do this.’ Luckily, he was really patient with me. The more I was able to tell him why I was feeling worried and the more he just accepted me and where I was in my life at the moment, the more comfortable I became and the more we communicated — and isn’t that the key to every good relationship? You can probably guess the rest. We’ve been together for a year as a committed couple, and I look at our FWB period as a time of real growth. I learned how to clarify what I wanted in a relationship.” 

Related: What she’s really trying to tell you

2. “Our casual approach allowed us to enjoy a slow build-up towards being in a committed relationship — without all the pressure”
“I’ve had a couple of serious girlfriends, but there was always so much pressure,” says Washingtonian Jay, 29. “At some point, my family (who are pretty traditional) would ask: ‘Are you going to finally settle down with this one?’ I was tired of the hook-up scene, but wasn’t ready to dive into the marriage pressure-cooker just yet — so the only thing I was comfortable with was having a FWB-type of situation with a woman. I definitely got some push-back from girls who figured that I was just another commitment-phobe, but Lisa was different. She was really open to it and seemed comfortable with figuring out what really worked for us instead of giving in to family and society’s expectations. I remember when my feelings changed after six months, and I realized that I had really fallen for her. She laughed when I told her this, and then she said to me: ‘I thought this was supposed to be casual, buddy!’ But after being FWBs for so long, it turned out that she was ready for a more serious relationship, too. It allowed us to have a slow build-up towards something serious without all the commitment pressure.” 

Related: 5 romantic mistakes worth making

3. “Our FWB arrangement was just that — we were true friends who eventually became so much more”
“I always thought of Dan as ‘my fling,’” says New Yorker Kate, 41. “We both work in sales and met each other at an out-of-town conference where we shared a rocking weekend of romance — but we’re both workaholics with super-busy lives. I just didn’t put any stock into seeing him again. We parted ways on friendly terms, but with no plan for a follow-up meeting. I ran into him the week we got back from the trip and we went out for drinks, which was followed by another night of romance. After that, our get-togethers started happening weekly, but they were definitely not what anyone would call a date or on any kind of relationship track. Still, there was something different about Dan. In addition to being a sexy guy who I saw occasionally, he became someone I felt close to — so, our friends-with-benefits arrangement became exactly that; Dan became my real, true friend. And then our friendship blossomed over the course of two years and turned into an engagement. No one was more surprised than I was when he popped the question — and of course, I said yes!” 

Related: 5 bad relationship habits to dump

4. “I responded well to her honest communication about getting into a relationship after my divorce, and we’re exploring our future together”
“I’d recently gotten divorced and was still feeling badly burned by it,” says Californian Bill, 55. “My ex and I had experienced a breach of trust; I wasn’t interested in starting up something new. But sometimes you get tired of being lonely and think, ‘Well, maybe we could just hang out — I don’t have to get emotionally involved.’ I met a woman and told her all of this, and she still wanted to spend time with me anyway. It was refreshing to be able to be so open about where we both were in our lives and not have to feel bad about being skeptical and reserved at first. I responded well to the honest communication we shared. We’ve been together for three years now — happily, I might add! Neither of us feels the need to put a label on our relationship, but there’s love between us. It’s definitely turned into more than just a ‘friends-having-fun’ thing now.” 

Related: Dating clichés that are actually true

5. “He wasn’t the type of man who fit all the ‘must-haves’ I’d had on my dating checklist, but he’s just what I need in a partner”
“I’d planned on marrying my college sweetheart,” says North Carolinian Jenny, 34. “He was from a similar background as my own and we looked like the perfect couple together. But I guess fate had other plans, because he broke off our engagement three months before the wedding. When I was out with some girlfriends a few months later, one of the guys I’d known since high school asked me out on a date. I told him: ‘No, but we could be friends.’ He wasn’t what I’d had on my list of must-haves in a partner at all. He wasn’t the smooth, successful professional type, but I liked his personality, and there was definitely some attraction between us. After hanging out together a few times, the electricity got to us one night, and he stayed over at my place. I really liked him, but I wasn’t sure if this would work out for a few months. Now, we’ve grown pretty attached to each other. He wasn’t the kind of guy I’d have had on my list of potential mates back then, but he is now. Being friends who saw each other casually at first allowed me to spend some time with him and realize the old dating checklist wasn’t so important.”

Related: 6 dating insecurities that keep you single

6. “We met when I was burned out from looking for The One, but after a year of keeping things casual, his patience paid off”
“I was really intense about dating once I turned 30,” says Virginian Todd, 33. “I wanted to stop messing around and find The One before it was too late. My pressure was totally self-inflicted, but it was real. Guys who’d pull the bait-and-switch on dates disappointed me constantly. They’d say they wanted something serious, but then turned into flakes or phonies — or, I don’t know, just not right person for me, I guess. It was when I decided to stop partner-shopping so hard that I finally met Andrew. By then I was too burned out from looking for Mr. Right, and told him I was up for trying something more casual. I look back at that now as my overly protective way of safely sticking a toe back into the dating pool. We were just buddies who hooked up for months at first, but after a year, it became clear that neither of us was going anywhere.” 

Dave Singleton, an award-winning writer and columnist for Match.com since 2003, is the author of two books on dating and relationships. Visit his website, follow him on Twitter, or email him.