Thursday, July 18, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
10 Signs She’s Really In Love With You
When it comes to love, and particularly women, men can experience difficulties in deciding if a woman loves them or not.
There are ways to tell if a woman loves you by the way she moves, the way she speaks, and other actions she takes even when she is not with you.
If you are in a new relationship, and don’t know how to interpret the signals you’re getting from the woman you are dating, here are ten signs she loves you:
1. You notice a change in her appearance
When it comes to a woman who is in love, you will notice a sudden makeover in the way she looks. Her makeup, hairstyle, clothes and accessories will change as she will do anything to try and impress you.
2. She shows genuine concern for you
When a woman falls in love, she will worry about you and won’t be able to stay away if she notices you’re having troubles. She will let you know that she’s there for you in case you need her, and she will be deeply concerned and interested in any problems you’re having.
3. She shows you off to family and friends
A woman who really loves a man is proud to be with him and can’t wait to show him off to her friends and family. She will constantly talk about you with others and will be deeply interested in wanting to know your parents and your friends.
4. She makes sacrifices for you
Another sign that she really loves you is when she takes the time to be with you and to do the things you love to do. It is easy for her when you do the things she likes to do, but if you’ve noticed that she’s given up these normal activities to be with you, it’s an indication that she cares about you a great deal.
5. She talks about the future with you
A woman in love will talk very excitedly about the future, making plans regarding it and telling you about the things she wants the two of you to do together. She will make subtle hints while imagining building a future with you in it.
6. She does unexpected, yet pleasant things to surprise you
It’s in a woman’s nature to want to give to the people she cares about. If she begins doing things like showing up at your workplace with lunch, buying you meaningful gifts, straightening up around your apartment, cooking you dinner, or helping with your laundry, she is very likely in love with you.
7. She touches you frequently
A woman in love enjoys being physically close to the person she appreciates so much, so you should guess her feelings from reading her body language. She will touch you often, rest her hand on your arm, massage your back when you’re together and she might even have goose bumps when she’s near you.
8. You are the only guy she’s focused on
If she’s in love with you, she won’t be bothered with dealing with other guys, as you’re now the only one she focuses her attention on.
9. She wants to be around you as much as possible
A woman in love won’t think twice about clearing up her busy schedule for you. She will postpone her appointments, be late for meetings, and skip classes at a moments notice to spend as much time with you as possible.
10. She wants to know intimate details about you
A woman in love will show a lot of interest in the life of a particular guy, so if she starts being extremely curious, sincerely and profoundly interested in every aspect of your life, asking about your day, wanting to know everything about your childhood, your family, and things that happened in your life that made you the man you are today, it’s a very good indication that she loves you.
Monday, July 15, 2013
An expert look at why people cheat
Q: What is the main reason for cheating in relationships?
Dr. Gilda: There are many reasons why people cheat. Sometimes it’s what they saw in the house they grew up in. Sometimes all their buddies are doing the same thing. Sometimes it’s because cheaters don’t feel good about themselves and look for people who will make them feel better. Sometimes a cheater’s relationship is crashing and he or she doesn’t want to deal with that reality, so cheating gets used as a bandage. And sometimes a person is so self-centered and egocentric that all he (or she) can think of is me, me, me. So there are many different reasons why people cheat. Your objective (and all singles should do this) is to make sure that you size somebody up before you become deeply, emotionally involved. And when you do, if you see a pattern that existed in that person’s behavior in the past you’ll pretty much be able to predict the behavior that this person is going to demonstrate in the future.
Related: 7 signs your honey may cheat
Q: How do people deal with the guilt of cheating?
Dr. Gilda: Somebody who cheats is looking for justification and rationalization more than anything else. So, he or she usually finds a way out in his or her own mind so that there isn’t any guilt. It’s often the person who’s cheated on who feels that he or she must have done something wrong to have caused it. My advice is to look more carefully at what’s going on before deciding to take the burden of blame onto yoursel
Q: What exactly is the definition of cheating, anyway?
Dr. Gilda: Cheating can be flirting or it can be kissing. Many people spend lots of time on the telephone flirting with somebody when they should instead be investing that very valuable time in their relationship at home. So, the question is: would you want your loved one to be doing what you’re doing with another person? That’s the question you should ask when defining what cheating means to you.
Related: Confessions: 7 reasons why women cheat
Q: Do you agree with the phrase, “once a cheater, always a cheater” or not?
Dr. Gilda: I think that people can change, but they have to want to in order for it to stick. You can’t make somebody change!
Q: Is it true that, at some point, all men cheat?
Dr. Gilda: That’s definitely not the case. Plenty of women are cheaters, too. Men are not cheating alone; they are cheating with women. Every time I answer a question about cheating, I get tons of emails from men (and plenty of women, too) saying they are in the same situation — cheating on their mates.
Q: I just ended a relationship that was full of lies. How do I trust again?
Dr. Gilda: Trust is the most difficult thing to build in any relationship. You must start to trust yourself and your own instincts about people. Trust begins with trusting yourself and your ability to assess the different people who come into your life. It’s going to take some time, so don’t try to rush it. But I also don’t want you to go out on dates and go through this whole speech about how you were cheated on and that you find it very hard to trust again. Because then your dates will feel as though they have to jump through hoops to prove otherwise to you. As you begin to trust your own judgment, you will find a new partner who is more trustworthy.
Related: Can a cheater truly change?
Q: I believe that my partner of two years is cheating. What are the main signs to look for?
Dr. Gilda: Has your partner started to care more about what he or she looks like? Has this person stopped listening closely to what you say? Does your mate make excuses for not showing up on time, or not showing up at all? In general, you feel in your gut that something has changed. I believe everyone knows, subconsciously, that his or her partner is cheating when that’s what is going on.
Q: How do you tell if a man is just saying what he thinks you want to hear?
Dr. Gilda: Well, spend more time with him and find out if there are inconsistencies in what he’s saying. On first dates, lots of men (and women!) say what he or she thinks that other person wants to hear. That’s why first dates only come around once! You have to see if what your date said early on in the evening makes sense after you know each other a little bit better — and makes sense the following week, and the week after that.
Related: Are you two meant to last?
Q: How is it that one day you are the love of someone’s life and almost overnight you’re forgotten?
Dr. Gilda: The question should be: How well did you know this person from the start? If somebody is telling you that you’re the love of his or her life, how long have you known this person for that statement to be justified? I have found that relationships that begin very quickly usually end just as quickly. But relationships that have maintained themselves over time usually are an investment made by both people, and one or both of them will be less likely to just wake up in the morning and decide they want to pack it in.
Q: Can a man have a “friendship” with a woman outside his marriage or dating relationship?
Dr. Gilda: Absolutely. Actually, I encourage that because this is where they get information about how other women think, other women feel. Just because he has a friendship with a woman doesn’t mean he’s interested in her romantically.
Q: What are the success rates for relationships after cheating?
Dr. Gilda: It depends on how hard two people want to work on their relationship. Usually after cheating there’s tremendous distrust, so it’s going to take a while for both parties to prove to the other that it was a mistake. It really depends. Give it time — consider seeking out a therapist to help you take the relationship one step at a time, rather than trying to make it alright the next day. Working through it can show where difficulties have been in a relationship, and the two partners are more committed than they’ve ever been once they see the errors of their ways.
Related: 8 clues that a cheater has changed
Q: I separated from my husband due to his affair with a woman much older than me. I’m younger, in better shape and fairly intelligent, so why did this affect my self-esteem so badly?
Dr. Gilda: What you have just learned is that being attracted to somebody has very little to do with age, looks and all these other things. Being attracted to someone comes from the way that other person makes you feel. So don’t take it personally, but try to find out for your next relationship what was lacking in your marriage and what kinds of things you need to work on so you grow from the experience.
Q: Should a woman believe a man to be loyal even if he likes to flirt?
Dr. Gilda: Flirtation is one thing, cheating is another. Some guys need their egos boosted so they go out of their way to seem like big shots with other people (women). But it’s usually quite harmless. However, if it bothers you, you owe it to yourself to level with this guy.
Related: Traits unhappy couples have in common
Q: If you don’t bet on the prince, who should you bet on?
Dr. Gilda: Yourself! My book Don’t Bet on the Prince is subtitled “How to Have the Man You Want By Betting On Yourself.” This goes for how to have the job you want, how to have the income you want, how to have the life you want. Everything in your life is dependent upon your willingness to put your faith in you.
Q: Is being with someone just to avoid loneliness ever justified?
Dr. Gilda: No, no, no. That reminds me of the line in the movie Jerry Maguire: “You complete me.” In reality, nobody can complete anybody else — the key to successful dating is to be complete before you enter into a relationship.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
I Like Much Older Guys, Am I Crazy?”
I have dated guys that are my age and I have enjoyed their personalities and had (somewhat) successful relationships and although I was attracted to them, I never felt like I was in love.
I just find older guys physically appealing. I get really turned on by grey hair and male pattern baldness. And dare I even say the slight paunch that men get when they are older.
I have not found a man in his 20s or 30s attractive in a few years now. This is pretty weird, because I am definitely a young-looking 26 year old, and I am quite fit, dress for my age, often get approached by guys my age etc.
I would not say I am craving the security and stability that comes with being older or dating someone who is older, although those are things most people who would like a relationship would logically desire… including me.
By the way, this is definitely not “Daddy Issues.” My parents have a long, healthy, happy marriage and I come from a very close-knit loving family.
It’s also definitely not financial. I am pretty successful and independent (have lived by myself and paid my own way since 18), and do not want someone to take care of me or buy me things in order to feel appreciated. Nor do I feel at this stage that I want to be nurtured and treated in a juvenile manner.
I am currently dating a man who is 41. We started dating about 3 years ago and I originally lied to him and said I was a young-looking 30 year old for our first three dates so he would take me seriously — we met through online dating. Although I love him dearly and think he is very attractive, I still find men that are much older than him more appealing. Like around 60 would be ideal for me.
I’ve tried talking to my best and closest girl friends about this, and they usually just laugh it off as a joke. But I’m being serious. I am considering leaving my current relationship because these feelings are causing me to feel a bit distracted. I think I should try pursue this. I am worried about what my family and friends will think.
Everyone knows I have always liked older men, but I’m afraid that dating anyone older might cause my parents to have… um… heart attacks.
Do I need help? AM I CRAZY?!
Is saying “I love you” important?
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A lot of women these days have come to expect every man to play the perfect part of a Hollywood or Nollywood romance script by saying the three letter sentence of “I love you” almost every time we are with them like a broken piece of musical vinyl record or a scratched compact disc.
It has gotten to a stage whereby a man who’s not used to it or wasn’t raised to be like that is thought to be unromantic or worse than that because it is assumed that he’s not going to be a loving and caring person.
The make believe world of the cinema has been painting a very rosy picture of its idea of the consequences of saying these magic words and a lot of people are getting fooled into wrong assumptions especially our young women who forget that there’s the scenario where a man will say it without acting it.
Most people assume erroneously that for someone to say these words is for that person to be avowing unconditional feelings of caring about us, while also having a caring and tender softness for us.
They believe someone who says these words is not holding back his emotions and is actually bold enough to not care about a heart break. For a lot of our young women who have been raised with the ideas of the movie world behind them, it’s a must that their partners must say these words at very regular and irregular intervals to assuage those little feelings of doubts that may rear up once in a while in their mind.
They feel saying these words will surely assure them that all is still well in their relationships and that anyone who doesn’t say nor act these words is definitely not in love with them. The truth is that expressing love as an idea of being romantic has many manifestations.
There are so many ways of expressing our feelings that one should not be tied down to just a particular one all because the larger society now expects us to follow the norms of Hollywood and Nollywood. Makebelieve is just as it is and only mirrors the larger society once in a while. Most times, we are dealing with ego when we have to express love in a particular way.
At other times it’s a reflection of our complexes, whether superiority or inferiority. This is because in following the norms or dictates of societal expectations, we will be putting ourselves in a box and when it comes to the affairs of the heart, it’s always better to think outside the box.
We all want reassurances from our partners at regular intervals to show that our commitment to them is not in vain but for me, that reassurance should be beyond saying the words “I love you”.
Communication in any relationship should be beyond verbal.
The non verbal communication for me, is more important because most times when your partner shows commitment to you through his actions, it’s mostly out of what he feels in his heart.
Take this scenario, you adore each other and spend every possible moment basking in each other’s company. He calls you at different times of the day just to ask after your welfare.
He’s always concerned about your future and he goes out of his way times without number to lend a helping hand to securing that future through so many means whether financial, emotionally and or through advice and yet he’s shy or not forthright with verbally expressing himself with the words “I love you” and you say he’s not caring enough because he’s not subscribing to your expectations of how the game of love should be played?
Please get real. Life is not like the movies where every love story ends with the couple living happily ever after.
In truth, there is no greater commitment from your man than he’s doing by dating you exclusively or being married to you alone, sharing his future plans with you while including you in those plans and consulting you even when planning his daily schedule to include those precious little moments with you.
I know that like I said earlier, there’s a tendency for most people to always judge their relationships based on these three words of “I love you” as a yardstick to measuring one’s partner’s commitment quotient, but I stand firm in my believes that while saying “I love you” may be important, it should not be done in isolation of acting it too.
Not as important as acting it
Whenever people talk about the three powerful words in relationships, there must be an argument. For some, saying “I love you” is purely western culture which has crept into our society, while for others, it is a basic declaration which should be made regularly, if love truly exists. For another set of people, the declaration lacks potency where same is not followed up with corresponding action.
There are four basic scenarios to consider, because every relationship can be grouped in one of the four. Some relationships ‘rotate’ the categories the same way we have weather changes (summer, winter, autumn and spring) while some are relatively constant like having winter all through the year (Scary!!!). The four scenarios are: 1. Saying it and acting it 2.
Not saying it, but acting it 3. Saying it, but not acting it 4. Not saying it and not acting it Yes, everybody wants to be in category 1 and nobody wants to be in categories 3 and 4, particularly 4!
Category 3 can be tolerated by people who wish to believe that they will migrate to category one after a while (you know the school of thought that says that the more you say something, the more you believe it and act it). It seems to me that those who categorise the vocal expression of love as western are those who are lazy and dishonest about love and how to prove it.
Men see the importance of saying “I love you” during the chase, then suddenly realize that it is western culture after they have caught their ‘prey’. Oh Please!!!! Whatever you thought to do during the chase, you ought to do much more after the “victorious catch”.
In other words, if you used to say “I love you” during every telephone conversation, visit, and at the end of every sms or bbm, then increase the tempo! I strongly believe that it is very, very, very important, for the health and sustainability of any intimate relationship, for love to be expressed in all ramifications. Say it! Act it! Do it! It is a package and no portion of it should be missing.
Saying “I love you” regularly is a very vital part of that package, particularly for the female folk. You can buy gifts for your woman, give her money, and take her places, but if you do not say “I love you” by word of mouth, she may not feel so loved.
Yes, there are materialistic women that can readily interpret gifts to mean true love, but after a while, reality will set in. Now, remember that I keep using three words “I love you”; not the curt “love you!” which some men manage to whisper at the end of a telephone conversation or the short form “luv u” which they often use to end bbm chats and sms. No! Man, you must say those words in full if you really mean it; not just on the phone, but face to face.
Very important, believe me! Remember, a man falls in love through his eyes, while a woman falls in love through her ears. This is a known fact, so I wonder why men remember this during the “toasting” season and quickly forget it when she becomes exclusively yours. Life is simple; if a man truly loves a woman, he will not only act it; he will say it time and time again.
I do not subscribe to infidelity, side relationships, office romance, etc. But has it ever occurred to you that such relationships are formed when someone gets to hear sweet nothings or receives needed attention from someone other than his/her partner?
If a woman keeps hearing “I love you” from another man, even against her will and instructions, and she keeps going home to her man whose vocabulary is suffering scarcity of the words, it’s just a matter of time… So, Is saying “I love you” important in relationships? Of course. But not as important as acting it!
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